Seasons and cravings

I've mentioned before that I'm always most susceptible to homesickness when the seasons transition. I don't know why, maybe it's just a time of year when we become more attuned to our environment; those nuanced differences between the angle of the sun, the scent on the air and the sounds at night become all the more salient.

Whatever it is, I've been feeling it. But homesickness comes in different guises. Sometimes, it's a more hypothetical yearning. I'll think, I could murder a pint at Grogans right now. But I'm not going to start checking flights. Other times, it's actual and deep-down need to go home right now, to touch faces and smell the sea. This time, it's neither. I just want to be there, just to be.

I think I need to spend some time unpacking why I'm craving that more intimate feeling around me these days. Why I want nothing more right now than to look in the eyes of somebody who knows me in the oldest sense, to sit on walls and walk paths that I don't reflect on in any way at all, because they're not really walls and paths, they're part of my make-up.  I guess it makes me sad and lonely that Toronto still doesn't give me that. Ever. And I've been patient. Seven years of it.

I probably (never say never, right?) won't ever live in Ireland again. I'm very used to the space here. "Space" in a geographical and mental sense. It's always hard to write about these things because I'm so wary of hurting either Canadian or Irish feelings. But this is such a personal thing for me, not about listing merits and demerits of places, more about understanding how my way of being-in-the-world changes when I'm in different places.

I think this new kind of homesickness is hunger for change, but not any old change. I'm craving change that moves me closer to the kinds of things I know I love. It's time to recapture some of those feelings of ease and security. It doesn't have to be moving back (in fact, I think it's distinctly not). But I think it is about moving towards something familiar and proven to be good.

Image from daytrips' Flickr
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