It's funny how a few weeks away from the blogosphere changed my perspective.
At times, I ached to be here. Not missing the blog so much as the flow of words. Because it wasn't only here I haven't been writing, but anywhere. And I missed that part of myself that is the part I least fathom; the part that shapes words into sentences of its own volition, when I'm out walking or sitting on the subway. There's usually such a current of words that many slip downstream without making it to a page. And I missed the me-ness of that feeling.
But also, the internet suddenly seems so small when you step away from it. Its constructs seem so flimsy, so quickly forgotten. When you step outside of it, the players are easily forgotten, like quitting a job and realizing your whole world, your every day, has been but one and not an absolute. And of course we all know that and we lean on that knowledge in weary moments. But it's something different to take the step back and experience it - a deeper degree of knowing sets in. It's a good perspective to visit.
But I'm glad to be back. Glad to find myself wanting to be back. Yesterday waking and finding the words again gurgling up after weeks of spreadsheets, lists and workflows, things I'm good at, that I can find a certain pleasure locking into, measuring progress against... but that I ultimately don't relate to, don't see myself in the doing of.
And the pleasure too of a sort of fresh start. I wonder sometimes if I don't push myself into extremes because then I'll be forced to draw a line under my ways and start afresh. That I don't dig into the long days and the stress and the exhaustion because I know the more I take on the more I'll inevitably have to let go. Like learning to be moderate in these moments is not something I want, rather to be mutable in extremes of all-or-nothing, or all, then nothing. So I can start over, which is after all, the sweetest clean slate.
So here I am, relishing that. With a stack of books to be read and a new shade of lipstick. With a new budget. With promises to be good and to stay in touch, to do yoga and buy flowers, to listen more closely, to sharpen my attention, to dig deeper into ideas rather than latch onto canned aphorisms. With a commitment to my sadly neglected body; to stretching and moving and being strong and taking my vitamins. To using my words. And spending time with my people.
Products: MiH Paris jeans from Net-a-Porter | Fews Mohair Knit by Étoile Isabel Marant from La Garconne | Nora Zodiac Wool Scarf from Club Monaco | Rider bag from Loeffler Randall | Velvet Matte Lip Pencil from NARS | Cathy Waterman Ring from Twist | Bronte boot from Hudson Shoes