It's rare and wonderful to read a book review that stands itself as a beautiful read. Not just a gateway to a beautiful book, which it surely is. But something that itself sparks and transports. I felt this way yesterday when I read Éireann's post about Zadie Smith's NW, especially here:
"It is about being lost. About being no longer young.The sad and hollow space of her characters’ thirties. The echoes of each bad decision. About the points in one’s life at which one feels, very sadly, that there can be no more great change (rightly or wrongly). About being stuck where you are despite the myths of movement."
Of late, I feel sad in my thirties and this sense of being stuck despite my own resolutions and volitions and sense of how things ought to be, despite having more money and sense than I did when I was younger. There's also something percolating that's like fear, sometimes terror. Because if there is change, I could be stuck with it. And I'm afraid about wrong-stepping again, about loving the wrong person once more or coaxing ambition into another endeavour that will disappoint.
And then I read this post in all its badassery. And I think it's the best articulation of the bullshit notion of bravery that the blogosphere flogs. And when people call me brave, which they sometimes do, I recoil feeling like it's a peculiar lie, a category mistake. And they say it most often on the posts where I'm telling them precisely that I'm not brave, but a fuck-up and laying bare the utter truth of that.
"I guess any courage I have is just knowing that everyone is really fucked up, and we’re usually fucked up in similar ways, so who cares. That’s not bravery so much as self-awareness?"
I should mention, of course, that I found that piece via Jessica's Read.Look.Think — I don't know how she does it... seriously one of the best posts on the blogosphere.
Also, this weekend, thoughts of home. Happy Friday!
I am absolutely terrified of "loving the wrong person once more." So thoroughly and beyond measure /terrified/. It's all I can do to begin a little relationship here and there, never putting it more than I can stand to lose. Nothing is changing. I feel the separation between myself and the other with every failed attempt, every long-awaited text message or some such. I know what I want, and yet...and yet...I'm not sure that I still have what it takes to get it.
ReplyDeleteI was saying to someone the other day: I'm starting to believe that, at a certain point, it's possible for a person to have had too many failed relationships to recover properly. Of course, this mentality doesn't make it any easier to go beyond dipping my toe in a romantic involvement.
This post couldn't resonate more. Thank you, Jane.
I just realized how terrified I am of late. That I crush on people who are always at arm's length to keep myself safe. I think there's an element of self-mistrust here... that I'll lose my head with my heart.
DeleteAnd I do think we don't recover. I love all my exes in some way, without wanting to get back with them. It's such a hard thing to articulate, but it makes the idea of adding to that catalogue so much heavier.
When I was in my mid-20s, I was reading about Quarter-Life Crisis articles in an attempt to try and understand what I was feeling/going through and then convinced myself that there's no such thing as Quarter-Life Crisis, that this crisis can come at any point in your life, be it mid-20s or mid-30s, etc. It's still nice to read about these though, and this post, just even to know that you're not crazy.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in my mid-20s, I was reading about Quarter-Life Crisis articles in an attempt to try and understand what I was feeling/going through and then convinced myself that there's no such thing as Quarter-Life Crisis, that this crisis can come at any point in your life, be it mid-20s or mid-30s, etc. It's still nice to read about these though, and this post, just even to know that you're not crazy.
ReplyDeleteThanks JT! I do think that these crises come and go in waves. There are times when I'm filled with self-doubt, loneliness, angst. The next week, I'll feel my life is wonderful and on track. I've always been existential, romantic, mutable in that way... and I try to accept that to and to let both be part of me without seeking a "cure".
Delete"'I just really love knowing that you fucked up and it gives me great satisfaction and makes me relate to you even more, and feel less bad about my own human self.'... That is enough! That is all there is!"
ReplyDelete! ! ! ! !
Thank you for what you say about my review. I never thought anyone would be interested.
Of course - it was a wonderful read!
DeleteWell, I'm still in my twenties and I feel stuck too. I feel I have likewise put so much of myself in certain life directions/decisions, only to be deeply disappointed. As have many other people, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, as you say, admitting that fear is not 'brave'. I'm constantly rolling my eyes at the word 'brave' being thrown around on the blogosphere, like the word 'inspiration'. No, an outfit is not brave. Neither is a haircut or a shade of lipstick. Even honest self-awareness isn't brave. I swear, if I hear that word one more time to describe the above, I will lose my mind - this is why people make fun of bloggers. I don't think you're heroically 'brave' when you write these posts, but I do think you are being truthful. Considering how much bullshit there is on blogs about so-called 'authenticity', I appreciate this actual truth when I see it.
Agree completely Hila!
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