I barely caught breath all this whirligig week and so I'm excited for 5pm tonight when I can get off this ride and climb aboard another, better kind.
It's rare and wonderful to read a book review that stands itself as a beautiful read. Not just a gateway to a beautiful book, which it surely is. But something that itself sparks and transports. I felt this way yesterday when I read Éireann's post about Zadie Smith's NW, especially here:
"It is about being lost. About being no longer young.The sad and hollow space of her characters’ thirties. The echoes of each bad decision. About the points in one’s life at which one feels, very sadly, that there can be no more great change (rightly or wrongly). About being stuck where you are despite the myths of movement."
Of late, I feel sad in my thirties and this sense of being stuck despite my own resolutions and volitions and sense of how things ought to be, despite having more money and sense than I did when I was younger. There's also something percolating that's like fear, sometimes terror. Because if there is change, I could be stuck with it. And I'm afraid about wrong-stepping again, about loving the wrong person once more or coaxing ambition into another endeavour that will disappoint.
And then I read this post in all its badassery. And I think it's the best articulation of the bullshit notion of bravery that the blogosphere flogs. And when people call me brave, which they sometimes do, I recoil feeling like it's a peculiar lie, a category mistake. And they say it most often on the posts where I'm telling them precisely that I'm not brave, but a fuck-up and laying bare the utter truth of that.
"I guess any courage I have is just knowing that everyone is really fucked up, and we’re usually fucked up in similar ways, so who cares. That’s not bravery so much as self-awareness?"
I should mention, of course, that I found that piece via Jessica's Read.Look.Think — I don't know how she does it... seriously one of the best posts on the blogosphere.
Also, this weekend, thoughts of home. Happy Friday!