Happy first Friday of 2013!
Although I didn't have much time off, the normal rhythm of the weeks has been lost to me. I like these loose days without their structure of shoulds; that feeling when I get home from work, that there's no reason I ought to do anything, or do it in any particular order. And I wonder that often the days acquire a sameness of my own volition.
I booked a flight to the Rockies in April. It's been a long time since I was out there, but I'm excited to see the mountains again. I guess I'm deliberately doing little things to make 2013 feel different, because I want it to be different.
2012 was, a year of endings. I think there'll be more of that this year, but I hope to more of an agent in it. In 2012, there were times when I felt that I was being tossed about by powerful tides. 2013 already feels like a calmer sea for me to navigate.
I read this piece on nostalgia this week. Cancerians are considered by nature to be nostalgic. It's something I fight because it all seems like a lie to me. Whether we're romanticizing our own past, or another's, or places in the world, it all seems to rely on fudging certain truths about what our real experience was, why we left, or why things ended.
Still, it can be worth a second look at some things. I thought about moving back to Ireland in 2012. It didn't feel like nostalgia, rather an acknowledgement that I had changed and Dublin had changed and that connections exist that matter perhaps more to me now than it did when I left. But, sometimes, I find myself wanting to make wholesale changes because making small changes is more difficult. There is, I think, a bit of a reinvention fantasy in all of this.
I have resolutions for 2013, but they're more like commitments. The main one is to embrace small changes rather than big ones; to make decisions each day that will colour that day for the better. To allow mutability in all of this instead of fixed and rigid rhythms, and to be as much of an agent in these small decisions, as I've always been of big ones.
Have a great weekend!