Although I didn't have much time off, the normal rhythm of the weeks has been lost to me. I like these loose days without their structure of shoulds; that feeling when I get home from work, that there's no reason I ought to do anything, or do it in any particular order. And I wonder that often the days acquire a sameness of my own volition.
I booked a flight to the Rockies in April. It's been a long time since I was out there, but I'm excited to see the mountains again. I guess I'm deliberately doing little things to make 2013 feel different, because I want it to be different.
2012 was, a year of endings. I think there'll be more of that this year, but I hope to more of an agent in it. In 2012, there were times when I felt that I was being tossed about by powerful tides. 2013 already feels like a calmer sea for me to navigate.
I read this piece on nostalgia this week. Cancerians are considered by nature to be nostalgic. It's something I fight because it all seems like a lie to me. Whether we're romanticizing our own past, or another's, or places in the world, it all seems to rely on fudging certain truths about what our real experience was, why we left, or why things ended.
Still, it can be worth a second look at some things. I thought about moving back to Ireland in 2012. It didn't feel like nostalgia, rather an acknowledgement that I had changed and Dublin had changed and that connections exist that matter perhaps more to me now than it did when I left. But, sometimes, I find myself wanting to make wholesale changes because making small changes is more difficult. There is, I think, a bit of a reinvention fantasy in all of this.
I have resolutions for 2013, but they're more like commitments. The main one is to embrace small changes rather than big ones; to make decisions each day that will colour that day for the better. To allow mutability in all of this instead of fixed and rigid rhythms, and to be as much of an agent in these small decisions, as I've always been of big ones.
Have a great weekend!
I miss the mountains, too. After letting so many of the little things slide lately, I'm hoping to spend more time and thought on housekeeping this year. I have very little control over the big things right now, so I take comfort in being able to make my daily environment more peaceful and beautiful. Happy weekend!
ReplyDeleteThanks Erica - I think I love housework for that very reason!
DeleteHope you have a lovely weekend.
I also defer making decisions on certain things by distracting myself with other decisions. I need to prepare myself for a few big ones this year and, as you say, be an agent.
ReplyDeleteThis image is beautiful, by the way. Is it yours?
Thanks Alice. I hope 2013 is wonderful for you!
DeleteYes, the image is mine... of a shrub in a parking lot after an early morning snow. I've been using the Flickr app, having quit Instagram!
Wow, stunning.
DeleteOh, the Rockies! Give them a hug for me.
ReplyDelete:)
Delete"But, sometimes, I find myself wanting to make wholesale changes because making small changes is more difficult. There is, I think, a bit of a reinvention fantasy in all of this."
ReplyDeleteAh, I understand this well. I've always sought out change, but while I did things, large things, it was never enough. This past year I started working on the more fearful things, the smaller, harder things, and I've found that real, lasting change has begun. Now I don't feel such a need to do drastic things to switch things up and start fresh, like move to England, or cut off all my hair, or get rid of all my furniture and get new, or whatever. I'm not sure if this is quite what you mean, but I nevertheless feel I understand. I think your commitment is like mine, though mine is couched in the phrase, "I'm going to stay out of my own way."
Thanks Steph.
DeleteI also meant to say that I wish for you that your commitment(s)be fruitful in 2013 (and always!).
ReplyDeleteThank you. You too!
Delete"But, sometimes, I find myself wanting to make wholesale changes because making small changes is more difficult."
ReplyDeleteHow incredibly true. I had never thought of change in those terms before, but you're right. Often it does seem easier to imagine picking up and leaving, than it does to stay put and work with what we have.
I've been a silent reader for some time now, but I just wanted to let you know that I love your posts and pictures.
Thanks for commenting, Abigail! Happy New Year!
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