No matter what, I always start out a new year with hope. It often ends up dashed or, more accurately, drained out of me by the reality of the daily grind. But these few days seem ripe with possibility and I'm open to it all.
There's so much I'm thinking about right now that's difficult to blog about. So much left unsaid. Blogs paint such a lovely, simple picture of our world; my goals for the year broken down into six simple bullet points. Even when hardships are blogged about they take on that veneer of the necessary obstacle in a plot that ultimately has a happy ending. But it's sometimes hard to hear "it will all work out" when you doubt it yourself.
So my optimism for the new year is tempered by doubt. It never really goes away and I suppose I'm okay with that. I don't think of it as my bad side, just my other side. The reality is I'm often fraught and confused and I'm just launching forward on a wing and a prayer. And I don't even believe in the prayer part.
But, this isn't to distract from the optimism of my last post, or even of this one. I mean, isn't it much more remarkable to feel optimism even while feeling fraught? Pure hope, untinged by doubt, seems like something a little too close to self-deception or naivety.
So, there you have it, at the end of 2011: Jane—still angsty, optimistic.
Happy New Year, friends!
I misread that as "Jane - still angrily optimistic" and thought it sounded kind of lovely! It's how I feel sometimes.
ReplyDeleteHappy New Year to you!
Haha! That might also be true. I'm pretty angry sometimes...
ReplyDeleteGirl, I am completely with you -- I've also been having a tough time, and I can't really blog about it. Hoping 2012 brings something better, but it's already been months and...nothing. So, we'll be melancholy and optimistic and angry and angsty together! --Julia
ReplyDeleteYour post hit upon a truth that struck me as very honest. I'll be pondering this all day, I'm sure. Happy 2012.
ReplyDelete"i mean, isn't it much more remarkable to feel optimism even while feeling fraught?"
ReplyDeleteJane, that is almost the very definition of faith, whether or not you believe in a higher power. You are faith-filled in something, in some way, and that is a lovely way to be.
My very best wishes for a peaceful new year,
Helen
I love this about you. More recently, I've felt angst pepper the optimism in my own life and it's been enormously gratifying to learn to live with both.
ReplyDeleteHappiest New Year to you, Jane!
P.S. I saved and reused the striped tissue paper from your package earlier this year. I couldn't make myself throw it away.
Jane still Jane, not made over with a smiley face but complex and thoughtful.
ReplyDeleteThanks for that Jane :) I've just recently discovered your little gem of a blog and it's beautiful to get honesty like this. Being just a blog reader, it can seem like the world is picture perfect for the blog authors sometimes, and even though we know that can't possibly be true it is nice to know there's a human behind all this loveliness! Happy 2012 x
ReplyDeleteI am in the middle of angsty optimism as well. But it does feel good to have 2012 right around the corner with a fresh, clean slate.
ReplyDeleteever-refreshing. happiest new year to you, jane!
ReplyDeleteI just want to say thank you for sharing your thoughts. They have been helpful for me this year. I'm glad 2011 soon is over, its not been a good year for me. I feel optimism and doubt when I think of the new year. The doubt makes it harder to be optimistic, but then I just have to work harder to think optimistic:)
ReplyDeleteHappy new year to you!
From a girl in Norway:)
I absolutely love this Jane, this makes me like I can do New Year the real way, not a choice between being up or down about it.
ReplyDelete'The reality is I'm often fraught and confused and I'm just launching forward on a wing and a prayer. And I don't even believe in the prayer part.' Ha! This is perfect.
Happy New Year, Jane
ReplyDeleteAnna
Happy New Year Jane! True, true!
ReplyDeleteI'm optimistic when i live in my bubble...going out the world...well, that's when everything turns into a mess. xx k
Happy New Year, Jane! Quite normal, I think to feel angsty and optimistic about a new year, I always feel that way too. But all the best to you in 2012, with best wishes for more ups than downs :)
ReplyDeleteA bit off topic, but where is your print of the Russian cathedral from?
ReplyDeleteHi Anon - it's not a print, it's a painting I bought in Moscow way back in 1997/8.
ReplyDelete