I was back at work for a couple of days this week, but am happy for another long weekend.
No matter what, I always start out a new year with hope. It often ends up dashed or, more accurately, drained out of me by the reality of the daily grind. But these few days seem ripe with possibility and I'm open to it all.
There's so much I'm thinking about right now that's difficult to blog about. So much left unsaid. Blogs paint such a lovely, simple picture of our world; my goals for the year broken down into six simple bullet points. Even when hardships are blogged about they take on that veneer of the necessary obstacle in a plot that ultimately has a happy ending. But it's sometimes hard to hear "it will all work out" when you doubt it yourself.
So my optimism for the new year is tempered by doubt. It never really goes away and I suppose I'm okay with that. I don't think of it as my bad side, just my other side. The reality is I'm often fraught and confused and I'm just launching forward on a wing and a prayer. And I don't even believe in the prayer part.
But, this isn't to distract from the optimism of my last post, or even of this one. I mean, isn't it much more remarkable to feel optimism even while feeling fraught? Pure hope, untinged by doubt, seems like something a little too close to self-deception or naivety.
So, there you have it, at the end of 2011: Jane—still angsty, optimistic.
Happy New Year, friends!