The truth is I'm a bit bluesy.
One minute, I'm deep in a slump, wishing I had had time to run down Blackberry Lane when I was home. I used to run down Blackberry Lane when I was little. And there's still grass down the middle of it, if streetview is to be believed. And I didn't even unlock the door to our shed and peer inside and smell the wood shavings or let my fingers run across the lathe. How did I forget that?
But the next I'm at a coffee shop looking in the eyes of a friend and telling them I'm glad to be back, that I need the whole of Canada to do what I need to do, which is surely the most important thing. Or I'm buying eggs from the Mennonite boy, too shy to look at me, but making my half dozen with perfect care. So that you imagine he must love those hens and ducks tenderly.
I want things I can't reason through, that are beyond reasoning. I suppose it's a little like falling in love. You feel it all before it enters your brain. But that's not always to be trusted. People will say to trust that feeling, but that's easy-come advice. So, I'm waiting for it all to catch up and in the meantime I'm a little lost to myself and scared of the routine taking over and making me forget.
Let's talk about this dress instead: I didn't buy it and wish I had. And even this weekend there were moments when I wanted a new dress to wear around (a good sign?) and thought about it again. But instead I went to the bookshop and stood in aisles for too long so that the people offering help lapped past me twice and three times. It was just that the books weren't there and I really wanted to tell them their shop is crummy. Though I bought three in the end.
And today, I'll put on lipstick and walk into the city. And I'll drink coffee and read. Write in my notebook. And I'll be happy when the locals smile and when the familiar dogs wag. And I'll feel a bit of belonging. But I still feel too much of what I'm missing. And I should have bought the dress.
Products: Cashmere Tweed Tube Scarf from Barneys | Golshan dress from Toast | L'Ombre dans l'Eau from Diptyque | Elizabeth Street Lapis Pendant from Catbird | Bluets by Maggie Nelson | Wide-rib wool tights from J.Crew | Daniela bag from Ally Capellino | Rachel Comey Domino Boot from La Garconne