Today I go home.
Lately, I've drawn a lot of inspiration from fall in Ontario. It always pierces my imagination. The vividness of it startles my eyes. And the northern light seems designed to perfectly showcase fall's glow. The clear blue of it backlights those warm tones to give a perfect blend of chilly warmth. And you shudder and feel invigorated and kick leaves.
It's my favourite time in this province. I normally close my eyes and let it seep into my lids. I wrap it up inside of me, a glowing nugget of amber to hold onto for the cold months ahead. This year, I've been participating more in it. I've been adding to the golds and oranges, wearing colours I never wear, buying flowers in rusted hues.
Tomorrow, I'll wake up in my land of mist. And I love its murk too. The air hangs with salt and sea and everything sweet that rises up from sodden earth. I feel it all move through me and I feel it inside me too and I understand who I am in better. And the palette of an Irish autumn is full of shades of grey and green and blue, layer upon layer of it, shrouded in gentle veils.
A friend once told me that once you live somewhere else, you become fragmented. And you can't unify yourself once that happens. You've just got to understand what's been done and decide where you want to live out your fragmented life. In autumn, that's all okay with me. Because I feel like I have two of the very best options.
And some people search their whole life for one home and never find it, that place where they want to plant their flag and stay. And sometimes (often) I feel that way too. I read Larkin's lines
"No, I have never found
The place where I could say
This is my proper ground,
Here I shall stay;
Nor met that special one
Who has an instant claim
On everything I own
Down to my name;"
...and I feel in my bones that this is my lot too, that this is the sadness people sometimes see in my eyes.
But something about autumn soothes it all out of me. In this season, I have found my proper ground and I don't need to search for anything else. Because when you have two versions of perfection, what else would you be looking for?
All paintings by Rosemary Carr (previously blogged about here) via Kenny Gallery, specifically 1 | 2 | 3
Products 1: Cardigan | Sweater | Scarf | Purse | Necklace | Cushion | Shoes | Nail Polish | Armchair
Products 2: Scarf | Clutch | Sweater | Sweater | Trousers | Skirt | Shoes | Earrings | Shoes
Products 3: Dress | Beret | Cardigan | Sweater | Dress | Necklace | Gloves | Trousers