Yesterday, I nipped into 6 by Gee Beauty for some Rodin Olio Lusso. I'd sampled the face oil there before, but was always buying something Le Labo and so had restrained myself. A skincare treat is always a quick pick-me-up and I needed it.
I'm pretty unhappy with my appearance these days. I'm exercising a lot, but I still feel heavy. I know I could do better with my diet. It's all so exhausting, or I'm just exhausted. It's especially hard because I love fashion so much and feel like my own wardrobe is a pitiful reflection of what I can wear versus what I want to. And sometimes my own blog posts taunt me as failings and make me feel fraudulent almost.
So, I'd like to make some commitments that will move me in the right direction. It's important at this point that I don't just let myself get depressed about this because I know it will only get worse if I do that. So, I have to lay down some positive steps. Right now I exercise for 40mins 5-6 times a week and I'd like to add more yoga. I probably need to take a really hard look at my diet too and also at stress levels, since stress definitely makes me retain weight.
Anna of Door Sixteen wrote this post a good while ago and I often reread it because (even though she's clearly struggled to get there and struggles to hold onto this clarity), it's a place I need to find for myself. It's hard to reconcile wanting to change with also wanting to be more self-accepting. But if I make progress on both sides, maybe the two will meet in the middle? I sure hope so.
You know, I've blogged some difficult-to-blog things, but this is always the most difficult thing for me to talk about. And it's something I think about constantly, that colours my world, literally stops me from meeting people sometimes. And it's the thing I feel like the blogworld erodes in me the most because, although I should know better, I always imply a beautiful person behind all those other beautiful blogs.
It's interesting how hyperbolic my inner voice becomes when I think about anything appearance-related. I say things to myself that I would never occur to me when I look at other people. I just hate all the emotions this stirs up and resent how familiar and recurring they are and that makes me even more frustrated. If I could wish one thing away it would be all this. It occupies way too much space in my head. And I suppose that's the frustration too; that it all just feels so stupid.
Okay, you know I love you. But please don't leave comments telling me to join this awesome workout that's worked for you or quit bread or some shit. What I'd like to hear is if, and how, you managed to just stop letting it get so blown-up in your brain. Because more than losing the 15lbs I want to, I think that's what's troubling me here...
Products: Chinti and Parker Bamboo and cashmere-blend cardigan from Net-a-Porter / Shibori Pyjama from Toast / Swan by Mary Oliver / Calone17 candle from Le Labo / Rodin Olio Lusso face oil / Striped cup from Coterie / Løv is Zen tea by Löv Organic / Natural Canvas Women's Classics from Toms