I felt pretty withdrawn from the world this week; too many moments of complete dissonance.
My tendency, when I feel this way, is to retreat into my shell and focus on my own piece of ground. So, I’ve been working away on quiet projects and writing, reading and exercising. I’ve been thinking about my home and about my family, about my trip to Ireland in the Fall and about life in general. Other people can be such a positive, reinforcing, inspiring influence. But there are times when they are eroding, confusing, upsetting even. I think that theme has been running through my blog all this week too.
In general, I feel like I’m not a person who really craves community. I like one-on-one relationships and deep friendships. This is, in many ways, in conflict with being a writer who wants to reach people and with being an online voice especially. There are times when I really detest that blogworld appearance of collective consciousness, that generic gloss that comes when one blog melds into the other as a parade of pretty pictures in a reader. All the distinct design is stripped away, the stamps on individuality watered down, the words too easy to overlook, if they were even considered in the first place.
Still, I do crave deep and meaningful like-mindedness, friendship and love. So the blogosphere sometimes gives me everything I want, and other times everything that’s anathema to me. It's the same push and pull that I talked about experiencing on a human level on a large, petrifying and faceless scale. Sometimes, it leaves me in knots. And I know it will always ebb and flow like that, as does everything. But I tend to take the ebb pretty personally and feel a deep sense of angst over it.
This weekend, I’ll be working on some projects and will hopefully get more writing done too. There’s momentum behind these things now and I know that will lift me up. And, fingers crossed, in the next few weeks I’ll share more of what I’ve been working on for the last six months. I’m excited and nervous about that and that may also be a reason for feeling a bit fragile right now too.
What are you up to this weekend? I hope it’s nice. Maybe we all need a cake-and-flowers pact this weekend?
Flickr image credits: 1. in white, 2. Remembering Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., 3. Untitled, 4. Restless Night