February is a mysterious month. I don't quite know who I am in it. Not quite myself. I have plans and things to build and I'll sit there for hours sketching them out. But, when I get the opportunity to move past that point, I seem utterly immobilized. I can't say why. But then, if I do get going, I'm frenzied and harry myself into complete and blinding exhaustion.
It's hard to feel in sync with the universe when you don't quite know how you're feeling. And the earth doesn't seem to know its own mind either. I'm trying to calmly wait it out, knowing that it always makes the inevitable decision to push away from winter and into spring. And then I too will spring into something less turbulent. I don't doubt any of this.
Still, there's the unsettledness in the meantime. I can't say that a week of jury duty has helped. Feeling cut off from the world, trapped in a room that would turn a saint into a misanthrope. And so my mind has been numb each night when I arrived home. Too numb to be seduced by the prettiness of the blogosphere. Too numb to feel compelled by to-do lists.
I came home last night and cut up a ruby grapefruit, sprinkled it with demerara sugar and sat down and let the sweetness wake up my brain. I could feel it creep behind my eyes and push some of the fog away in my brain. I know when I start to feel that fog, the small decisions matter a lot. So, I'm dressing my bed every morning and moisturizing my elbows, taking Vitamin D and going out of my way to bring flowers into my apartment even when I just feel like dashing home.
Most of all, I'm looking forward to finding the beat again this weekend, picking up the familiar rhythms, regaining my sense of what day it is. I hope you're not feeling lost in February. And I hope you have a lovely weekend.
Image credits: 1. wee spoons, 2. another one of the lemon, poppy seed and olive oil cakes, 3. one hundred and twenty eight., 4. Selina Lake - Books & Roses