What I can't get behind is this: How many of my friends are struggling. With debt from university, trying to earn money from skills that should be valued and aren't, to be noticed above the grandstanders and fakers they work with. I'm feeling sad for us all and could do with hearing some good news. Somebody getting a start who doesn't have a trust fund or rich husband or who doesn't have epic connections to press upon.
I'm pretty beat from feeling this way. And some of these more personal posts take a lot out of me. Not the writing so much, but the angst. The terror reading every comment and the feeling of rejection when there are no new ones. And sometimes I hear Mum's voice ringing in my head saying, don't give everything away, people never value what they get for free. And in those moments, I feel like I do too much here for nothing.
Still, I'm happy for weekends and for pumpkins to be carved. And I'm reveling in some of what I've seen this week - the first photo in this post from Jordan - gorgeous! And rosemary and thyme candied pecans sound like a thing of perfection. I love this holiday stamp for festive cards and I think a glitterball on my windowsill might be all I really need right now. I also updated my Tumblr with some recent inspiration
Have a good weekend!
Image credits: 1. Kirk Albert Vintage Furnishings, 2. Untitled, 3. Reader, I married him., 4. Untitled
What an honest post, I have many similar feelings to yours. I, too, would really love to see my family members and friends "make it". Sometimes it seems like it's only the generationally wealthy that aren't spinning their wheels.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I hope that fun Halloween festivities cheer you up! Your blog is truly adorable, I love your posts! I'll be sure to comment more often :)
I think struggle is part and parcel of taking chances. Perhaps there's some comfort or brightness in the idea that despite the struggles your friends are experiencing, they are doing what they love and/or being true to themselves. Living a life where you are doing something you hate or you can't be true to yourself can be so toxic. So I won't give up the belief that living a life following your dreams and being true to yourself pays off eventually -- even if it doesn't pay off in the way that you expect!
ReplyDeleteoh how i wish i could offer some good news jane, but alas... i am one of those who is struggling, living at home with my parents at age 23, a college graduate working a photography job but not actually doing photography. at least it's a job and at least it's full-time...
ReplyDeletebut! i have HUGE changes coming up in the next half year, which i wish i could tell you but i'm too afraid i'll jinx it before everything is finalized. rest assured you'll definitely see it on my blog when the time comes!
anyway, beautiful post as usual! please don't stop sharing yourself on here! i love how honest you are and though your posts are "angsty" please know that you are not alone and it's refreshing to know that someone else out there feels the same way i do.
have a happy friday!!
JaneFriend,
ReplyDeleteI'm about to do my gratitude friday post, and you know what I was thinking I was really grateful for was having enough. I certainly don't have more than I need and most times I'm scraping by by the skin of my teeth, but I scrape by. That in of itself is a miracle. I've had this ridiculous notion that if my wares are good enough, people will find me. It isn't working that way. I feel down and frustrated so often that there are people who can snap their fingers and due to the resources around them - be set up to succeed regardless. I have my favorite quote engraved on a necklace around my neck: "The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide." -Longfellow. Now if we can all just hold on...
I'll be thinking about you as I carve into my mountain of pumpkins.
I value these posts. I don't always comment- because as you said, it takes an emotional toll, but I value them immensely. I want you to know this.
ReplyDeleteI am just the same as Chedva. I read your posts daily, Jane, and appreciate your honesty. I hope the weekend will bring you some downtime and happy news.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I get so down about that kind of thing myself, the constant struggle. I have conversations every day with friends who have to borrow money to pay rent, and trust me, I don't make friends with people who are stupid or incompetent or lazy. I know how many of us are in the same boat, which is a comfort, but it only makes me that much more enraged when I see people who have so much take it for granted that other people don't have it as easy. All the while the constant reminder that well, at least I have a boyfriend who is wonderful, even if un-/underemployed at the moment, and some good things in my life, for which I should be grateful...
ReplyDeleteJust remember that rich types can be so boring & that it doesn't take any skill at all to just buy stuff. I knew a girl in high school who is one of those rich people that I'm always jealous of, and she recently posted the real estate ad for her condo that she's selling. It said "Thousands spend on upgrades," including some kind of wall-mounted toilet. Oh MAN. Can you imagine? Having enough money that you get to the point where you think "I shall spend two thousand dollars on a fancy TOILET!" You really just have to laugh. I mean, good for her, that's her choice, but yeah, it's all about choices. If I had chosen certain paths maybe I would be luxuriating in my condo with my fancy car and my fancy toilet and my giant flat screen tv (or something, I don't even know)... but thank god I'm not, you know?
Hugs to you, dearest Jane. xoxo
It's been a tough year. I feel like the recession has just hit my world and I have a lot of friends going through the same. In regards to your writing. I love those posts and read them. I don't always comment but it doesn't mean that it hasn't had an impact on me.
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful weekend!
Oh Jane, you always echo what seems to be going through my head. I long for the day where I don't have to decide between an extra cup of coffee and a bouquet of flowers for my home. When I can pay bills and not grimace at the amount left for spending. I didn't exactly choose a financially lucrative profession but it is what makes me happy (even though I'll be paying off student loans for the next 30 years after a private B.A. and Masters). Sigh. Thank you for always, always being honest here. It's why I return every day. Have a wonderful weekend.
ReplyDeleteYou are so generous with your inner self, Jane, and it is appreciated. So you're giving it away for nothing, maybe, but we're all here loving you for it.
ReplyDeleteI admire your strength in writing those personal posts. I'm considering a big one, and my eyes well up every time I think of it, and I'm still on the fence. It's terrifying, putting yourself out there, but I love you for it.
These are not easy days. Last night I was totting up the number of resumes and cover letters I've sent out so far in 2010 (demoralizing) and started researching trade schools. I'm thinking something like pipe-fitting or being an ultrasound technician should be recession proof.
ReplyDeleteI try to keep in mind that even with its rubs - and they rub - and its flaws, I'm lucky to have the life I have. None of the bad stuff in it approaches true catastrophe. The lights stay on. I have food to eat and books to read and companionable souls in my life. As long as I keep my canvas small, the picture is beautiful.
As to good news: a bit about a trash picker in Brazil who educated himself with books he found on the job:
http://nymag.com/movies/features/69128/
That documentary looks fascinating.
take heart, jane! your efforts on your blog are not in vain! your honesty, thoughtfulness and intelligence shine through in each post, whether there are comments or not.
ReplyDeletein terms of making it, i don't have any experience in the corporate world, and it sounds incredibly frustrating.
having a really small business, i feel like i am constantly having to change my definition of success, especially in this economy. sometimes success means getting a nice e-mail from an etsy customer or making a good homecooked meal at the end of the day. having just come back from a nice vacation doesn't hurt either :) anyway, i hope your weekend is a good one!
I love reading what you write; I am just really shy about commenting here. Your words are put together so wonderfully, I usually feel woefully unable to make a comment that would do them justice.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what you mean by make it...I don't have a rich husband, a trust fund or anything like that, but I feel that I have made something good out of my life. I work hard at my job and have moved from being a customer service rep at my company to the accounting & operations manager, within 3 years. In a way I feel like I am making it. It's not my dream job by any means, but I wake up every day feeling good about where I am in my life.
But along with that comes a feeling of guilt because I do see people that have gone for their dreams and things don't work out. It breaks my heart for them, but makes me feel more grateful for things working out for me the way they have.
Thanks for sharing your words and thoughts with the world...I truly enjoy reading all your posts.
thank you for your constancy, beautiful works and lovely words. i really appreciated your post about change and followed the link to the poem by auden. it captured some of what i'm experiencing right now. thank you.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog. The emotional posts (be they up or down) are very special. I respect and admire that you share so much of yourself. You often hit right where I'm at, too and embolden me to (attempt to) articulate and share it with your blogosphere.
ReplyDeleteStruggling like crazy - unemployed for five months now. scary. There are about 5 blogs I go to every day for comfort and distraction and yours is one of them.
ReplyDeleteSUch a relief to read a post from someone who doesn't have a "perfect" life, living off a rich husband or independently wealthy. Instead - an intelligent, single woman with impeccable taste in books and clothing...ahhh. Reading your blog is like a little vacation from worry. Thanks!
Miss Jane, I think you and I could spend many hours over multiple pots of tea and go through a box of tissues or two. I *absolutely* know what you're talking about! And, it is more of a constant in my life than I'd prefer. These days, I find myself somewhere between the angst of those situations and a calm acceptance of life as it is. And yet, that calm acceptance takes on overtones of 'giving up' that don't site quite right with me either. I'm a conundrum. Which is probably why I enjoy baking even at the end of a long day.
ReplyDeleteKnow that you're not alone. And, I'll think of you tonight over tea and baking. :)
You inspire constantly. You really do.
I love your blog, Jane - it's so unique and honest and beautiful. I love the diversity and the honesty. We are listening to you! Never doubt that.
ReplyDeleteYour blog is always always intelligent and introspective and while having these feelings reflects thoughtfulness and honesty, give yourself a break, it's just life. Not always pretty, not always neat, it's messy and ugly sometimes. Know that life is all about change, that's how you know you are living it. You have seen and experienced what most people are too lazy to experience. Keep going and one day you will know it's time to settle in, like a warm blanket on a cold lazy morning.
ReplyDeleteI'm one of those awful people that always reads but never comments.
ReplyDeleteSo. I'm sorry.
I'm here & I think you are wonderful.
I value what you do, I value what you give of yourself, & I value you.
Thank you!
Cx
Don't you just wish that all of us like-minded people could have our own colony or something? Sometimes I feel like you say exactly what's on my mind. Hang in there, Jane.
ReplyDeleteThanks Silver Strands!
ReplyDeleteYes Julie, I agree that being authentic is important. And it's when people have to choose between rent and authenticity that it hurts my heart. For some people that choice alone is a luxury!
Andrea - sounds intriguing. I hope it all comes through and can't wait to hear more!
Unabashed - definitely. I don't complain a lot because I live in a nice apartment and am never hungry. I have the basics covered and I'm so grateful for that. But still, I'm struggling to follow my true passion and also fill those more pragmatic needs. And I budget every paycheque and don't have anything leftover to play with. In many ways I appreciate the self-discipline that takes. And when I save up for something it means so much more to me. But when I hear of friends being held back by stupid old money when they're rich with possibility, it upsets me.
Belly - thank you
Anabela - I don't resent people with more money. And (haha) I'm one of those people with a flatscreen TV (it's just a telly really). I have many friends who don't worry about money and they have just as much angst as me, but over other things. And I don't get jealous over money when I'm sitting in my friend's Rosedale home. I'm proud of her and I admire her success because it's hard-won. And I really don't want to sound like I'm a reverse snob.
What upsets me is wasted potential. I could cry when a friend tells me she wants to start a business but has no capital and in fact is struggling to pay off her degree. Or when bloggers assume that going to Alt Summit is something I can do easily (when I've only taken one vacation in 5 years and that was to go home for a family funeral). And I mostly talk about all of this because the pervasive idea is that anything is possible if you just try. And I think the reality is that there are plenty of people for whom this is nowhere near the truth.
Chelsea - thanks, I guess I find it difficult to think that sometimes.
Kayla - exactly! I'm happy to budget and long ago resigned myself to the fact I'm in a profession that won't make me wealthy. But constantly weighing those choices is eroding.
ReplyDeleteRachel - Thank you! I know that fear feeling well. I am terrified about what I write on a near-constant basis, but I do feel better somehow for having written things. These are thoughts that I often find difficult to say out loud in person so working them out here on my blog helps me in some way.
Stephanie / evencleveland - I've had those trade thoughts too. I'm sorry to hear that your job searching has been so difficult. I find it even difficult to find job postings that sound like something I want to do. And yes, I think we're both lucky in so many ways, but I suppose I always want my friends to have everything they want because they're all so damn talented!
Jill - thank you! Yes, a nice vacation is the kind of thing that honestly I feel should be accessible to everyone.
Stephanie - That's a good question. I guess I'd like to be able to take a vacation every year or two. And in the long term, I'd like to be able to imagine saving up for a small house or apartment. Nothing extravagant, just general quality-of-life stuff that sometimes seems out of reach. So many of my friends live pay cheque to pay cheque and not because they're reckless with their money. The literally have no money left to move around and every purchase is considered.
Christina - Thank you!
Alice - Thanks you! Big hugs, dear friend.
. - I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this. It's my biggest fear (and a threat that's been looming over me for years now) and it makes me happy that my blog offers comfort and distraction. Thank you!
Bradford - Uncle Beefy - Yes, many cups of tea (and tasty treats) could be shared between us. It is difficult to juggle ambition and desiring more with acceptance of the interim. And it can too easily feel like "giving up" if you're resigned, or "daydreaming" if you don't. I wish I had magic answers... I mostly take it day by day and some days I accept and other days I daydream and push forward and maybe that's my balance. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteConstanca - Thank you. I wish I didn't need reassurance, but I guess I sometimes need to hear that!
Shelley - Thank you!
Tommy - Oh yes! I used to fantasize about the perfect small town full of my friends. I'm sure that's just silly idealism and the mix is important.
I love the honesty of your blog too. Maybe it's just what I've seen, but it seems that blogging can be very dishonest a lot of the time. And I think it was especially honest (though strangely scary!)to tell us readers that we may be getting too much for nothing! I often feel with blogs that I am reading a book I haven't paid for. But I hope you won't stop, because I love the insights I find here. For example, you are so right about feeling that we're either giving up or daydreaming, and I think it speaks to what you're saying about your friends - the ability to make things we want happen is sometimes absent to the point where there seems to be nothing in between giving up and daydreaming. But I hadn't really thought about it that clearly till you made the point.
ReplyDeleteI read quite a few blogs, and yours is a unique voice.
I did type a big comment on the last post but somehow it deleted itself or disappeared when I tried to put it up and I felt too tired to repost it at that very moment. And if this one does the same I am going to throw a big tantrum (about my tenth today).
Hi Lucy - it was especially scary to write that too! But, it's true that words are my trade and in a world where editorial content is free all over the place, I sometimes feel like it's a commodity people in general don't value.
ReplyDeleteI'm really grateful for my blog readers and especially those who take a moment to say something resonated or moved them. I know it's needy of me, but I do love to hear that and it's one of the reasons I blog (and will continue to blog).
It's especially rewarding because when I'm working on my fiction writing, it can be lonely and start to feel unreal because there are no readers until it's finished and published, and that's not even a certainty.
And I'm mostly glad that I have so many readers who take what I say and try to understand. Being understood is such an elusive and special feeling and it can be the difference between complete loneliness and feeling hopeful. So, thank you for your comments and kindness.
xx
Jane - I love your posts. I'm a sporadic blogger at best, so I don't always read posts... but know that when I do read one of your posts (especially the personal ones), I feel a little tug in my heart and I want to fly up to Toronto to simply hug you. And to tell you this: you are a wonderful human being. Because you are.
ReplyDeleteHave a wonderful weekend, dear Jane, filled with pumpkins to be carved, and glitterballs, and all the little details that make the voice of doubt in our heads stop for a few moments - those moments when we catch ourselves smiling and content for no other reason than the little simple things in life.
much love,
-maria
Jane--
ReplyDeleteI rarely comment on anything, but like many other readers (it seems, from skimming these responses), I feel compelled to tell you just how good it is to read what feels like an authentic representation of a life, both good and less-good.
The trend, in blogs and in much published work these days, is to present the curated life: the beautiful events one attends, the interesting things one reads, the brilliant thoughts one thinks. Of course we do this! Of course we build a verbal/visual representation of the way we wish we were. But editing out the quotidian bullshit has a cost to readers, I think (side note: good fiction doesn't do this. It uses the quotidian and the bullshit to great effect, because this stuff exists in real life!!).
So what I'm taking a really long time to say is that I really appreciate seeing that you recognize, and share, the complexities of your life. Everything isn't sunshine all the time. I need to be reminded that I'm not failing at life because my experience isn't perfectly designed, and filled with culture, and overwhelmed by success: I'm probably doing just as well as anyone else. You help me remember that.
So thanks. That's all.
thank you for this post - i´m one of those strugglers, too. over a year ago, right after i finished university i sufferd from a slipped disc that just wont let go. i couldn´t pick up a "real" job and had to move in with my parents - there´s no real perspective right now. but somehow it´s possible to keep your head up and not be frustrated all the time - maybe that´s one of the human miracles that we just keep going on. i hope all those struggling out there (me included...)find their way somehow, it´s not much the most wish for, just a decent life.
ReplyDeleteHi, I love reading your blog. I like it MORE now that it's more personal--I think your real struggles are much more beautiful than a "isn't life so glamorous" approach I see a lot in blogs. Anyway, not having money SUCKS. But even as I borrow money from my (not rich) parents for rent, and bike to work since I need to save the money I'd spend on public transit, and try not to think of my mountain of student loan debt, I am actually doing what I love. It makes me feel really alive and I get to think creatively and meet people from all over the world and it's wholly engaging and I'm good at it. So, that's good news!
ReplyDeleteHi Amy - Thanks! And that is good news.
ReplyDeleteI've always written personal posts (not sure how long you've been reading) but they've always been interspersed in the mix and it's been my mandate from the outset to share that side of me, as well as the more style-oriented side. I'm glad you like the mix.
Jane these posts are what have me clicking back here every day. I may not comment often, but your voice has a purity to it that is a pleasure to read. Please don't feel rejected...and do keep writing. You have a lovely blog.
ReplyDeleteI have never commented before (think this is because I read you in google reader, and don't see the comments...?), but I did want to say how thankful I have been to read these posts of yours, angsty or not. As many others have said, it is comforting to read about others in the same boat, to know we are not alone. I have had to move around a lot to maintain my modest level of underemployment, so I lack close female friends that I don't have to talk to on the phone or skype. It is hard having long distance friends, but no one you can talk to face to face. But somehow, reading your posts about life and our communal struggles alleviates that sense of loneliness for me. Please keep writing!
ReplyDelete