I've drafted and deleted a few reflective posts in the past couple of weeks. I guess I felt that there was something not fully formed about what I was trying to say. The truth is, I've felt like I'm living mid-thought lately... not quiet there yet, not sure of how I'm feeling and where the ideas I'm having are leading.
So, I've been keeping myself busy with busy-work. Maybe this is a good way for me to be right now. Or maybe there are conclusions of some sort waiting for me. I haven't stopped thinking, but I have stopped trying to force my thoughts towards some actionable conclusion (I was rarely able to act on my conclusions anyway).
I was asked recently if I've ever thought of myself as evolving. And I said, sure, of course. But the truth is that I really think of myself in terms of before and after. Of now and future. And the future is where all my bullshit magically disappears and now is where I'm all bullshit. I've sometimes thought, what if that future doesn't exist? It obviously doesn't, but that's always been a very depressing realization for me.
So lately, I haven't been thinking about the future as much. I've just been letting the questions hang. It's not a comfortable, natural thing for me... to embrace the uncertainty instead of projecting to a brilliant moment of transfiguration. But it does feel somewhat like the right way to be and it's helping me feel more comfortable in my skin and in my reactions to others.
That's not to say, it's all magically coming together for me now. There are still conflicting thoughts and reactions, there's still a desire for many things to be different. But, maybe instead of perpetually waiting for the conclusion or the "after" to come, I'm figuring out how to keep going even when I'm mid-thought.
Image from Little Girl Blue's Flickr