In our perpetually sunshiny corner of the blogosphere, it's easy to think that nobody suffers from stress or despair or anxiety. I love that we all focus on things that we have positive feelings about, rather than negative venting. But sometimes it can create a false impression that we all live amazing, fulfilled lives. My own goal with my blog is neither to be positive nor negative, but to be authentic. To tell the truth about myself. And that includes the not so sunny side.
Lately, I've felt very hopeless. That I'm far behind everybody else for my age. That there's no trajectory to what I'm doing right now. That all work and no play is making Jane a dull girl. I've even stopped having those escape fantasies that I always used to have and swapped them with "maybe this is as good as it gets" thoughts.
I know, at 33, I'm young to be feeling this way. I know I have lots of time to do the things I want. It's not the waiting that's been getting to me as much as the lack of momentum. I'm stuck in the doldrums, with no wind in my sails. I know what I want and I know where I want to be, but I don't know how to get going. And I'm starting to give up a little bit in my own heart. And I'm so very, very tired.
Image from alliesnaps' Flickr
thank you so much for this post.
ReplyDeleteDon't give up! You're just tired right now.
ReplyDeleteYou're amazing! You bring beauty into my life every day with your writing and that's something to be truly proud of.
What a touching post, you are so brave for being honest in our "perfect world." I wish I could give you a hug. I personally feel blue quite a bit, so I can relate, and I can offer you the advice that always gets me through. Change your perspective, as in, meditate, and imagine yourself floating in Earth's orbit, looking down at the planet and surrounded by stars and life and amazing, unimaginable expanses of the universe, and stay there for a while. Next, write your goal on a sheet of paper, in present tense, and hang it on your bathroom mirror, in front of your desk...Then make a list every day and follow it, eventually you will reach your goal. And lastly, our world and our culture is a needy, greedy, wanty one. We are basically programed to want and to strive and to aquire and suceeeed at all costs. But humans are made to love and have peace, to follow the rhythm of the earth, rather more slowly than our techy lives allow. I know we can get kind of preachy in the blogy world, so I hope I don't sound like that. But the realization that I am only alive for a short time, and that I must make my own priorities (quite, peace, love, beauty,) not monetary success or power or status (not that those are yours :)
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better! Lots of love from Atlanta.
yes. and yes.
ReplyDeleteYou are certainly not alone in going through ups and downs, I'm right there with you. I think we all are. Get some rest and (this may sound corny) but maybe invest in a Life Coach. I know, I know, but I speak from experience. I was really off track after I quit my job, had a baby and moved. I just didn't know how to focus or figure out what was next. Luckily my Sister-In-Law is a life coach so she agreed to help me out. That was a year ago and it has helped so much. Just having someone that you can talk to that will prod you towards goals and make you see things a bit differently. The answers and path to them are inside you, sometimes we all need help finding them. I'm still in the midst of trying to find a new career path in my wacky industry. I'm not totally there yet, but I feel better and less anxious than I did a year ago. I hope this helps some. Hang in there! I love reading your blog!
ReplyDeletei recently celebrated my 40th birthday and have been going through all the emotions you describe and then some. i have been very reflective lately, wondering where all the time has gone and what i have to show for it. i can definitely identify with your feelings of despair!
ReplyDeletethank you for the post.
Yes. It's not just the blogosphere that I don't want to share being down with, it's my everyday environment too. I keep it all in as much as possible. I want to seem like a positive person. More than that, I enjoy being a positive person. But being down comes out eventually. I was just telling my sister the other day that the best thing about wearing big, dark Jackie O sunglasses is that you can cry as you walk down the street and no one knows. I think it is okay to have a variety of emotions. To respond to whatever you are experiencing at that particular time.
ReplyDeleteFrom the undefinable closeness of the blog world, I have to tell you that you and your blog are positive. I love your blog. Every day.
Thanks for this post, I had a miscarriage recently and have been acutely aware of all the "happy" on the blogs I read and wondering where people put the bad stuff.
ReplyDeleteMyself, I'm just trying to let the glum happen and ride it out. In some ways, it's good for me to work through the rough patches knowing eventually I'll emerge on the other side.
Be patient with yourself and be selfish if necessary!
Don't give up! You're brilliant and you bring so much beauty into our lives here - you deserve some for yourself too! I feel this exact same way too quite often (and I'm right behind you at 32), and you're right that we as bloggers only show the pretty, sunny side...so thank you for such a true, heartfelt post, and know that you're not alone. I really hope you feel better soon! BIG hugs!! xo
ReplyDeleteI've been reading for a few months and comment occasionally... while I don't feel like I "know" you or other bloggers I follow, I feel that I understand the pressure we all put on ourselves to create these perfect little cohesive blog worlds that don't necessarily reflect our real lives and feelings. It is exhausting being so aspirational all the time... always wanting more, but feeling like we have less and less to offer.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny, I was just making a list this morning of steps I can take to change myself and my life for the better. (Reexamine my career path, rekindle a fading friendship, take a hiatus on renovation projects, etc.) In my case, I know deep down there is hope and joy to be found -- I just need to stop getting in my own way. (Maybe we should start a club!) At the very least, I am thankful for this timely post. I will keep you in mind as I hope and pray for a stiff breeze to fill my sails.
It's like looking in a mirror, or, rather, the blog reading equivalent! I know exactly how you feel, and wish I could give you the secret to finding your way back out of the hole. Lord knows I've been looking for it for long enough.
ReplyDeleteDo you think we're drawn to blogging as a way of putting ourselves out there in the hope of finding the answer? Finding our magic beans? Listening out for the 'click'? It's something I've been pondering for a while.
And God, do I sympathise with feeling left behind. All of my close friends (and 2 younger sisters) are engaged or married home owners with babies or bumps. And I'm sitting here typing in my rented, one bedroom flat with a hodge-podge career, no 5 year plan and no man to kiss it and make it better. I'm days away from buying a cat, some knitting needles and elasticated polyester trousers.
Enough about my woes. Your blog is absolutely gorgeous, your writing is wonderful, and whatever you do, don't give up! I've found the book The Happiness Project has been HUGE for me. Life changing huge. Having finished it in record time, I am now reading it again and making copious notes! My darkest days aren't quite so dark now, and they seem to be fewer and further between. That's not to say that they don't loom on my horizon, but I'm better at anticipating them and better equipped to deal with them when they do consume me.
As for the wind in your sails, as a seasoned sailor, I can tell you that winds can change direction and pick up without warning, and when you find your sails empty, the best thing to do is open your picnic, sit back, and relish the calm. You'll be flying along again before you know it and wishing you had time to stop for a sandwich!
Thinking of you. Kate x
I never comment on blogs but I feel the way you're describing a lot, and you have to remember that it always, always gets better. It will get worse, too, and that's part of the cycle, but the only way that things will never get better is if you give up. In the meantime, it helps me to give myself small things - my favorite sandwich, a new book to read, a new knitting project - because even though they are small, they help make life beautiful even when the big things feel very far away.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel!!! I am 59 and feeling very desperate sometimes. I don't feel 59 years old at all, but I don't want to let any more time slip by without making my dreams come true. I guess sometimes, things are just left up to us, although I do believe in God.....I think sometimes, we just have to rely on our own resiliency and courage and believe that we have the capability to reach our dreams. I have had a hard time feeling like I can do that, but maybe that is what these kinds of experiences can teach people.....that we CAN accomplish what we dream of doing. I hope things get better for you. You articulated everything I am feeling right now; I am grateful for your honesty and courage. Thank you for sharing such personal thoughts. I love visiting your blog and appreciate what you share. God Bless You!
ReplyDeleteDebbie
i'm so sorry you feel this way... i totally understand what you mean. thanks for sharing your heart so openly on your blog -- it's true that the blogosphere seems so sunshiney & perfect! i struggle with feelings of depression on & off as well, and always want to bury myself in a dark hole in the ground until i feel better, but the feelings eventually pass. i just try to remind myself of what's true during those times (even though it's so hard), and the truth is, you are exactly where you are meant to be right now. don't look to other people around you -- your life is completely different from someone else's. you are where you're meant to be, and though it may be hard to see in the moment, it is perfect for you. i hope you feel better soon! :]
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear that you're feeling so sad and tired, Jane. I also feel that way sometimes. I don't blog about it since the blog is something I do when I feel good. When I feel down I just can't. But it's a great thing to be able to share. Spreading the feeling of not being alone. Big hugs, Jane. Hope you'll be up there soon. Full of strenght and inspiration.
ReplyDeleteI am there with you feeling behind for your age. Most people my age are done with their degree...I had to go back and get one from a state university, because my first degree was from a technical school (Which I attended by necessity not choice).
ReplyDeleteI have been doing what I do now for 5 year and I hate it. I want to love what I do, and be a rockstar at whatever I do. That doesn't mean I need everyone to love what I do. But I want to go to work (most) days loving what I do, and I want to feel proud of my accomplishments. If I do something I am really passionate about, I know I will stand out, because I will be great at it. I've made a choice of what to go for. Now my only fear is that I may not be good at it. I only get this choice, now. This has to work. At least that's how I feel. I am restless, and impatient for the future, so I think I know what you mean.
I am sad to read that you feel in a deep, dark rut, though. I hope you will find what makes you happy soon, and of course it's natural to be down here and there, I just hope it isn't a more permanent thing.
Cherry blossom wishes to you. (In other words "every good thing to you")
Say what? I could have written this post, except I can't bring myself to write this kind of post because I feel as though I would be misunderstood. Mine would have had a lot more emphasis on the anxiety I feel about my physical appearance. I went to Overachiever High so I definitely know what you mean about being "behind" (or thinking that you are behind, even though you're not). But there is no standard, there is no rulebook, and I just deleted all those people from Facebook anyway. I am where I am now because of my own choices -- for a number of reasons, I didn't have the option of choice until I was much older than most people. I treasure that freedom now, even as I feel and see myself getting older.
ReplyDeleteLately I've started to examine the jealousy I feel towards "blog people" who seem to have perfect lives and I've come to the conclusion that those feelings come only from me -- I project my own insecurities onto them. I catch myself splitting the world into black/white. Pretty/plain. Rich/poor. Which is NOT fair. I know that they're only sharing the best parts, and I do appreciate that. I look at certain blogs and they make me super happy, because sometimes I feel as though it's a beautiful life that isn't unattainable! I would feel absolutely insulted if someone told me that the me on my blog isn't the real me, because it is. It's just that who wants to read about crying jags? I do believe that if I focus on the things that make me happy, I will be happy (hence me repeating "fake it 'til you make it" ad nauseum). I go to yoga classes and when they tell me to "open up my heart" I pull back until I feel as though I'm bursting. I visualise. I wear amethysts. I work hard to make other people happy. I try anything, everything my hippie heart can come up with. Other people aren't responsible for my happiness or unhappiness, even when they write triggering things (for example, when beautiful, skinny girls complain about some tiny little flaw that no one even notices) that I'm too sensitive to read.
I don't know. There's so much more to say about this. I had this exact conversation with someone yesterday, and was so surprised to discover that she had been feeling the same way. I just don't know how to fix it! I mean, I know that it's all in my head. I have to start with myself. But it's so hard. I also know that today I tried to get a picture of myself in a hat to write a post about hats and the pictures on the camera's screen made me cry, stomp away, and ride my bike to work feeling like the most rotten, vile creature on earth. I would have thrown my camera against the wall if I wasn't so damned broke.
I've actually been seeing someone about some of these feelings but I can't say that it's helping in any way (I find her a little mean, a little insulting, and I can't even bring myself to tell her certain things because I feel as though she sits there judging me for being spoiled and entitlted -- and gosh, what's the point of making myself vulnerable to someone who I can't stand, even though ostensibly she's there to HELP ME). I went to a naturopath for a while and she was great but it got kind of expensive -- still, she was wonderful and kind and really seemed to care about me. I just wish I didn't have to pay $85 every time I want to feel as though someone cares about me!
This comment probably doesn't make much sense because I'm rambling. But I just wanted you to know that I understand & you're not alone.
I know exactly what you mean. I have a hard time articulating my suffering, pain and even grief which is why I don't necessary blog about it much. But, you took the words from my head and put them on here...and I think we are all grateful. We all feel lost at times, and it's got to be normal...right? As creative individuals we are our harshest critics. Every day is a struggle for me as well, and all I can do is take one day at a time. Just know you are not alone and are brave for putting those emotions out the world. You should be proud of that.
ReplyDeleteAh Jane we all go through this. And all this rain and cold weather is not helping.
ReplyDeleteI go through these spouts too. My college roomate referred to them as the "staring at the bedroom floor" stage. For some reason I need a lot of quiet time to reflect. But eventually I get going again. SO will you.
We should do a house swap. Sounds like you need some time on a lake, in the bush, on a trail...take your pick!!
ReplyDeleteSmiles....
Believe me, I know how you feel. I actually have a biting sense of humour and swear ALOT in real life, so I don't see the internet me as a true representation anyway.
ReplyDeleteThe blog world is a fantasy land, so I wouldn't sweat it. I feel like many bloggers are pretty young as well, so it's easy to feel like some old broad (I'm 37). I'll have a coffee with you any old time if you want to vent and bitch. It's fun and therapeutic. The problem with doing it on a blog is that it remains permanent there, whereas just talking about it in the moment makes it feel like it's being expelled.
Jane, as someone who loves reading your inspired blog posts I would like to add that, though the blogworld is so misleadingly happy and sunny, it is also overwhelmingly aspirational. I am addited to reading certain daily blogs, but my gosh it can get you down when you glimpse this apparently perfect beautiful and wealthy worlds. I make myself step away from the computer often, and look more appreciatively upon the real world and lives around me. I look at my teeny flat with the overflowing laundry bin and dirty dishes in the sink and I put my daughter in the buggy and get outside and leave it all behind to blow away the cobwebs. There is magic and wonder in the real stuff too. Get well and love yourself.
ReplyDeleteI feel this way all the time, Jane. I have no idea what I am supposed to be doing, and I am increasingly panicked that time is running out.
ReplyDeleteAll I can do is listen to the words of others for help - songs, poems. It's less lonely. Right now, the lyrics from an Avett Brother's song comes to mind - 'There's a darkness upon me that's covered in light.'
I think a certain measure of despair goes with life - but I am trying to understand it is as a good thing. It can be a well for empathy, for tolerance, and for clear-sightedness. It can make you more generous with how you handle the world and the people in it.
Blogs are a hard forum for dealing with this, or any other ugly part of life, because it is a flattening medium - you don't see all the angles. It is so easy for something raw to become calicified and hard, to turn into a trap, whereas in reality, so many different narratives can be constructed from the same materials. The blogger who posts only beautiful things may have terrible ugliness to deal with in life. It's an escape, and it is understandable that people don't want to taint the escape, while at the same time hungering and wishing for that place to be more substantive or complex.
Hang in there. You have more power than you think.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Try and get some rest. That dark place can be very exhausting. I have only just recently stumbled onto your blogg and love it... The beauty, the rawness & your honesty, refreshing! I hope you get well soon..
ReplyDeleteI have realized that so much of our lives and focus has shifted on where we are going, who we are becoming, what we are achieving...
ReplyDeleteUntil recently, I was on a path that created answers to these questions. I could answer my path for 2yrs, 5yrs, 10yrs...and on. But my life took a dramatic change and I realized all of these ideas that we create and answer about ourselves are false securities to offer us purpose. Now, I can't see beyond today. My focus and awareness has been reduced to right now. So, I say, be sad. But, feel it, roll around in it, revel in it, absorb it all...and then know that This is what you are feeling right now. Its not the rest of your life, it is not how you Are...it is just where you are now. Look around. Even those words you spoke have the power to reach so many. That is authentic. That is real. That is what this life is all about.
i think the fact that you got your feelings out there is a big step forward in itself, jane.
ReplyDeletefrom the sounds of it, a LOT of other people have felt the same was as you do (and me, too, for the record!). i think the biggest alienating thing about it is how lonely and disconnected it can make you feel when you don't feel like you've got a trajectory.
when i'm feeling like that, i change up my routine (LOVE the house swap idea! i loved that movie The Holiday .. i put it on whenever i'm feeling bummed. that, or Sliding Doors. so so good.) but i digress.
changing up my routine is a fantastic refresher - doing something different, meeting someone new... whatever it is, it can give you that lil boost that might put some wind back in your sails. you never know what spice new things can bring to your life!
I'm very sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time. There's some very good advice here and if I can add my two cents, I would say try and get away, somewhere completely different from your everyday life - even if it's not physically far away. For me, this does the trick every time. Being in a different environment changes my perspective and outlook and gives me the boost that I need. This too shall pass, sweetie, and I hope soon.
ReplyDeleteJane.. oh my... where to start..I can feel your pain.. seriously....I was diagnosed with clinical depresssion at 28...I have been thinking about writting about this for a long time.. shame on me for not doing so...it didn't happen as a consecuence of tragedy or sadness it was a culmination of 10 years trying to deal with my head and its 'overactivity'. Juggling the rational and the irrational, conventional paths and desired dreams etc etc....it's easier to give advice than to take it.. but maybe you do need a break...exercise.. and I'm still dragged out to do it, it is a great way to clear the mind and makes the body feel better.....any way..if I can support you in anyway let me know...you are a very talented girl, you just need to slow down to see things clearly...
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for keeping it real, Jane. Reading all the "happy all the time" blogs just makes me feel bad -- like everyone else is living these amazing, perfect lives and I'm the only one who ever struggles with melancholy and real personal challenges. I wish the design blogosphere was a little less aspirational and a little more honest.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any answers for you, but I would encourage you to really listen to and respect what you're feeling. Maybe it's time for a change -- in work, location, or in simply giving yourself permission to ease up on yourself.
Thanks again for your honesty, and for the beauty you find and share with us every day.
One thing I know is that whatever people project on the outside, on the inside we are all pretty much the same. There is no perfect.
ReplyDeleteI just blogged yesterday about a particularly difficult time in my life leading up to turning 40. Just about every crisis and then some happened to me to include marriage separation, serious illness of a child along with some pretty heady personal stuff swimming around my brain. I could sit with you and talk about it over several bottles of wine. It was a fairly complicated soap opera with lots of blue.
But the short of it is, there is A LOT to all of us that we can't/don't express over the internet. I find that when I do get "real" on my blog the response via comments is really sincere. Because we can all relate.
I think what you describe is the difficult stuff that often occurs before progress. You know, the good stuff isn't free. And you learn a lot in these darker periods. Please keep us posted. And seriously, you are so not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us, I love what you said about wanting to be neither positive or negative but authentic. As much as I love happy, pretty things I find that I'm so much more drawn to authenticity and knowing that someone is a real person behind the computer screen. It's something I struggle with on my blog, how much to share, when the negativity is ok to put out there because no I don't want to contribute more negativity to the world but to pretend it isn't there would be to lie to myself!
ReplyDeleteLike others here I wish I had an answer that would fix the way you're feeling, but I hope one of the best answers is that you're not alone. I struggled with pretty serious depression for a year or two awhile back, and while it isn't so bad anymore I still feel myself being pulled back down that hole more often than I would like. It's crazy because all the different people I compare myself to and are jealous of are doing 50 million different things and in reality I don't really want to do half of them, I'm just envious of their perceived happiness, (and as Anabela said, that's my doing not theirs) and when I look at my accomplished friends and am honest I realise that while they may be 'further ahead' than me in someways, the different path I took has enriched me and given me experiences they'll probably never have.
Argh, I hope this is in someway helpful because I feel like I'm rambling. I really love your blog. It's honest and brings beauty, humour and inspiration into my world. Your happiness is so incredibly important so do whatever it is that you need to do to get there. Keep writing these posts, go see someone, go on vacation, meditate, anything that you feel you need to do and I can guarantee we will all be here along side you cheering you on.
i think it's wonderful that you shared these feelings...it's often i feel that my blog also portrays happy go luckiness - when in reality i feel sullen in the winter months and crave a new job and love. i too am 33, so high five on that! i will say, when i feel behind, i realize that even those that seem firmly planted and surrounded by what they needed/wanted, sometimes life has a way of slapping us down. i watch in awe of that and it's a reminder that at the very least we have so many freedoms. if we lived in the same town, i'd say - let's go see Eat Pray Love and share a bottle of wine, or two. Cheer up darlin, and we're always here to listen. xo
ReplyDeleteOh Jane.....this breaks my heart. Because, having been there myself, I hate to think of anyone feeling this way. I want to say something that sounds glib but, really isn't. It WILL get better. Absolutely. This always helps me when I have been in the darker places. That is the thing about this world...everything goes together. The beautiful & the bad....and it can turn on a dime. For worse, yes. But also, for the better! My blog, as you know, is always pretty positive. Cause that is the place I want it to be for my readers. I have never discussed the fact that despite my sunny disposition(and that is real) I have struggled with anxiety & depression my whole adult life. I take medication for it, which saved my life. So, now I can enjoy my life, which I love, and be happy in the moment. So, I think I know a tiny bit of what you are feeling. If you EVER want to talk it out or just need someone to tell you it will get better. That is won't always be this way...I am here. Just an email away. I believe in you & think you are fantastic. Don't ever give up in your heart,
ReplyDeletesweet Jane, because how you feel now is just one moment in your sure to be rich and lovely life.
xoxoxo
Melis
Jane,
ReplyDeleteThere is some great advice here and one thing is for sure, you are not alone. I too will echo what a lot of people have said about your blog; it is beautiful and honest, which is so refreshing.
I also struggle with your same issues, I find exercise helps, gets the blood flowing, yoga, a run in the park etc...that is just what helps me get out of the blues.
Hang in there, you are such a inspiration to us bloggers.
Michelle xo
ps and weather in TO is meant to pick up this week, sunshine on the way.
I think you are wonderful for posting this, and you have been a great comfort to me and other readers whose lives are not always full of light.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and please please please find some professional help, if you need it.
thank you for your honesty. i think the constant need to be cheery in this corner of the blogosphere over shadows what many of us go through. many of us are extremely driven, taking on too many things and get disappointed when we feel that we've come up short. and i think many of us blog about happy things because life isn't exactly the way we wish it was. that often goes unsaid.
ReplyDeletei'm one of those people who has very high highs... and my lows are very, very low. i can relate to your feeling of despair.
i've found the best way to combat those negative thoughts about life is to live in today. eat clean, drink a lot of water, practice yoga, and surround yourself with people that lift you up.
it will get better. and yes, you should read eat, pray, love if you haven't already have. in the pray section she faces her depression and repeats "I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore" during meditation. it was such a simple but powerful statement and something about that brought me to tears.
Ohh...Jane..what a thoughtful post. You can see from all these comments you aren't alone. As for me...my husband's nickname for me is 'Eeyore'...if that gives you a clue to what I'm like to live with.
ReplyDeleteMartha B.
I'd like to recommend my life coach, Win Harper. He is amazing and offers a free 30 min. session to start. He asks the right questions and helps you come up with your own answers- and gets you un-stuck. Check out his blog on his website to learn more about him.
ReplyDeletewww.winharper.com
This post was so brave. It is so hard to expose these feelings to anyone, but it helps so much when you feel this way to see that you are not alone. I have also experienced these feelings, and I know that there is almost nothing people can say to make it better. This journey is a very personal one. But please remember that you touch a lot of people everyday with your words, and we are all here, routing for you through your ups and downs.
ReplyDeleteI read this yesterday and it gave me some oomph to get things going - http://laracasey.com/blog/2009/11/24/get-fired-up-how-to-make-things-happen-vol-i/
ReplyDeleteOh, my dear. We are all there, at some points. I love the shiny-happiness of the blogworld, but it is deceptive. I think a lot of us struggle with our lives and our choices and our emotions. I go through times where my anxiety gets the best of me, and I just start to shut down.
ReplyDeleteIn those times, I make a list of the things that are stressing me out and then I give myself a set time to muse about actions, if actions are possible. And then I try to re-focus on the small things. I had a moment a couple weeks ago, when I had just worked out and gone to the grocery store and purchased myself a little portion of expensive cornichons and I sat on the bus bench content to wait instead of impatient, and the sun peeked out and I ate my cornichons and I realized that in that moment, I was perfectly happy.
I used to try the "fake it till you make it" approach, thinking that if I pretended to be happy, then I would eventually fool myself into feeling happy. And it does work, sometimes. But I find it's more effective to acknowledge that I'm feeling sad, and then think about little things I can do for myself, to treat myself kindly. And I always try to remind myself that I am feeling sad in the moment, and that I am not just an unhappy person in general. Because I'm afraid that if I define myself as an unhappy person, then I'll shut down all my other options.
Sorry for the rambling, dear! Your posts bring happiness into my life. You need to give yourself a chance to rest and find a little joy around you.
Wow, so glad someone said it. I'm 33 as well. I have been on meds for depression for nearly 10 years now. I also take meds for adult ADD. But I'm always tired. I dont want to move, dont want to work, dont want to go out, have no motivation, I just want to sleep. I dont know what I want to do with my life but cant really change because I have 2 boys to support. So, basically, I'm with ya. And I hate feeling like this which of course makes me feel worse. uugghhh
ReplyDeleteWhat do we do to stop it?
Thanks so much for sharing this, Jane — I too struggle regularly with anxiety and depression, though I choose not to share it on my blog. It's hard, but I try to keep in mind that life is like a big wheel — sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down, but it's always changing. Focus on the good, make plans (big or small) and don't worry about life deadlines. Colette didn't write her first novel until she was 42 — but her life experiences before then gave her the means to write it. Be appreciative of your own life experiences now — and don't be afraid to get out there and add to them!
ReplyDeleteLori
xo
You are not alone. Big hug!!!! Thanks for being authentic and sharing this.
ReplyDeleteOf course I can relate to that! I'm a new reader, but I wanted to let you know I very much appreciate your sharing your heart with us. A quote from a silly little movie (Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants) I watched recently came to mind:
ReplyDeleteMaybe the truth is there's a little bit of loser in all of us, you know? Being happy isn't having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it's about stringing together all the little [happy] things...and making those count for more than the bad stuff.
We'll all experience times that bring us joy and sorrow, but the key is to put more emphasis on the rejoicing than the crying. I rejoice in my God and what He has done for me. That is the only everlasting joy I've found, even when I go through deep valleys. I mean it when I say I'm praying for you! Be blessed!
dont give up!! ur really good. and u deserve to get up when you bruise yourself after falling, get up, wipe the blood on ur knees and ur bruises with ur hand, and get running again!
ReplyDeletedo not worry. i feel the exact same way you do. sometimes it is like treading water. no matter what you do you just can't seem to GET where you want to go. it sounds like you need a break. unplug, get an ice cream, and a good back rub. is there something you used to do that you never do anymore, like a hobby? Painting, reading, jogging? Make a pact with yourself that you are going get back to what made you happy before you started to feel this way.
ReplyDeleteOh Jane, if I could only tell you how many times I've had the exact same thoughts!
ReplyDeleteI agree that it's the lack of momentum that gets to me the most. I think that's what makes me feel so completely stuck. Have you read any of Dominique Browning's new blog, Slow Love Life? She talks about feeling a sense of entropy after losing her job - which even if it's not the exact same situation still has quite a few parallels.
I also find it's getting harder to make drastic changes as I get older with more obligations, particularly rent and debt (thanks student loans) that can't be ignored. For me, I think that's where a lot of the exhaustion comes from - trying to do both the job that I don't really want to do and get to the place where I really be, all while not really having a clear sense of what I need to do to get there. It's so hard to just get motivated enough to make any significant change.
Anyway, hang in there - you're not the only one. And for what it's worth, I have an incredible amount of respect for what you've achieved so far.
I feel the exact. same. way.
ReplyDeleteI read your blog regularly and I think it is lovely, warm and authentic. It's so important to be able to express and experience the spectrum of emotions. In addition to being a psychologist, I have benefited enormously over the years from my benevolent and trustworthy psychotherapist. If you haven't already explored this path, I highly recommend it.
ReplyDeletejen
Don't give up every one thinks that way!!!
ReplyDeleteevery woman goes thru this it's a part of self discovery. Thank you for coming out and freely writting about it!
xox
Ginger
http://gingerroxy.blogspot.com
Your honesty and openness is beautiful.
ReplyDelete(I don't usually bring my work life to the blog world, but I am a family doctor, and if you are interested in some bibliotherapy, I highly recommend either of these two books. They're not your average "self-help" books. They can really make a difference. Feeling Good - the new mood therapy by David Burns, or
Mind over Mood by Dennis Greenberger)
I hope you feel better soon.
Dear Jane, the 52 comments before mine are testament to the fact that you not alone in this.
ReplyDeleteYour posts are beautiful but, like you, I believe it is important to be authentic in what we write and share in this community of bloggers and I thank you for speaking honestly about these feelings.
I am not going to offer advice, I can only share what works for me when I experience these kinds of feelings: I let them be there, I sit with them, I observe them, I make peace with them, I allow them to be there.
For many years I ran away from 'dark' feelings, frankly they frightened the shit out of me. I have come to learn that in denying them a place I was making them into the proverbial boogy man so that they returned bigger and meaner than before. I can chart my own recovery from the time that I invited these darker emotions to be a part of my life. I don't mean that I indulge these feelings or that they paralyse me or render me dysfunctional, I just grant them a place and by doing so they are diminished. I truly feel that learning this has helped me to become a better and more fully evolved human being.
All the very best to you, lovely, Jane, in your own journey. I'm sure you'll rise up to meet it.
Hi everyone
ReplyDeleteI want to respond to you each individually and reread all your amazing comments (I was at work today as they came in). And for those of you who sent e-mails, I want to respond to each one too.
However, I don't have anything left in me today. Your support is overwhelming and I'm so grateful for each one of you. But, I'm also exhausted. I'm going to run a bath and lay down.
Thank you. You're the absolute best. I couldn't have imagined how good.
Jane
xx
Dear Jane,
ReplyDeleteMy dear, very talented, black Irish soul sister.
Thank you for expressing something that hits a mark, it is a testament to your talents. I am not a great writer, but I hope a good friend. I read and really enjoy your blog, (though never post). Here are my thoughts:
My very smart Grammy (hailing from the county of Kerry, Ireland) always said, never compare your insides to everybody else's outsides. She also said, after a good cry, a hug, a kiss (and a good long chat with a dear friend or many friends) you have to move forward if only because it is your best chance for happiness. I always loved that advice.
I have a black Irish soul too, and have had some real downs. But the solutions: change of "scene" more exercise, and perhaps that book The Happiness Project (I have heard good things) are probably a step in the right direction. Here is another suggestion: maybe a permanent change of venue is what you need -- new people, new job, new city. What about mentioning your ideas about what you think might work in your blog, and see where it goes? What is great is that you are not willing to just plug along, but instead are thinking about these issues.
I live in Brooklyn, the land of the uber-talented, ambitious, type. Sister, trust me, they got nothing on you! You will shine where ever you go. If I may suggest, a city like NYC is full of new lives....
I once read about a man that had the words, "no guts, no glory" written in small letters on the wrist bands on all his shirts. I think he may be on to something. . . .
Jane, what you quietly accomplish everyday is creating a truly authentic, inspiring space that helps us all smile, exhale, and nod our heads in agreement. Thank you. The rest of the doldrums crap, which everyone faces but most don't express (or as well as you do), will definitely pass. I'm feeling quite exhausted these days, too.
ReplyDeleteI too feel lost and tired and don't know where to go from here. I can only imagen it will pass but it sucks for now. Thank you for posting.
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxoxo.
ReplyDeletei've so been there (see here: http://bit.ly/czNrCE), but it gets better. talking about it helps. let you friends and family in--that also helps. and know that you're not alone, and that we all think you're fabulous. :)
Your blog has made it to my bookmark list and I read it regularly - such a positive contribution to my life as I find creative inspiration almost every time I visit. There are many good suggestions in these comments - it will get better and it is so important to just let the funk be. Certainly you don't need to embrace it but acknowledge it (as you have) and just let it sit while you move on to the next adventure. It may catch up to you again but each time you'll move a little further away. Thank you for all that you contribute for the rest of us to enjoy.
ReplyDeleteJane, I don't really know what to say - so much has already been said. I just wanted to chime in and say that I understand too - it's so easy to fall into the trap of looking at other people and judging yourself by comparison. Your work is amazing and you give so much to your readers - such generosity and warmth are rare and wonderful gifts that you have in abundance.
ReplyDeleteEven when you're blue, there is absolutely nothing dull about you, Miss Jane. Part of achieving what you want begins with believing you deserve it. Believe it!
ReplyDeleteI think, as many, most, all(?) of the comments seem to attest, we all have these moments at times. But I think you have a unique gift, this particular voice of yours that can convey throught the written word so much truth and honesty. Don't take that for granted. I am especially private, inward, introverted and it would be next to impossible to lay myself out this way. To be so raw. But in my case, I think that's a hindrance. Because once you've opened yourself up, all the love just comes pouring in, doesn't it. I think so much of this is all about perspective. You voiced you are not where you imagined yourself to be at this age, time. But you know, this freedom of possibility might not be open to you if you were, say, married with children, etc.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I don't know that I have any sage words of advice. But from what I know you are wonderful, undeniably talented, and have a unique and beautiful way of seeing
the world.
I sincerely hope the sun soon warms your disposition. Please take care of yourself!
Hugs-nelya
Oh, dear Jane..! I'm so sorry..! I've been feeling a bit blue myself - which is in part why I haven't been around the blog world much.
ReplyDeleteDenise sent me a poem by Wendell Berry and I just posted it yesterday... I've written it down in my journal and taped it to my bathroom mirror. It's helped me some - to put things in perspective and soothe my anxiety, which is what I struggle with most.
As you can see from the comments, we all go through moments like these. And I am glad that you are willing to be honest and brave by posting about it, you know? I also have moments when I think: "What exactly is it that I am doing with my life??" And I have a husband and kid - but I still feel like professionally, for myself, I have not found my thing - whatever that may be.
Anyway... I am sending you a huge hug, dear. You are a source of inspiration, always, and I wish we lived closer so that I could give you the hug in person - and we could talk and cry and blow snot out of our noses together. And I'd certainly bring the wine Lianne brought over.
much love,
-maria
ps: please email if you need anything.
I've known of your emotional depth and capacity for a long time (that Beckett connection was a dead giveaway). Adding my voice to the great chorus of love and support as continue to move through the current landscape.
ReplyDeleteWill send an e (of a more personal nature) to you over the weekend.
Hello Jane
ReplyDeleteI know I've not really commented before but I wanted to respond to this because it is something that has been in my mind. First, guess what, I am about to turn 33 this month and I cannot begin to tell you how far I am from achieving the things I want to. I really admire your blog and dare I say it, erudition. And your positive and kind attitude. I think it is sometimes needed to be painfully aware of what is lacking, so that we can start to move towards it. It is good that you know where you want to be (though maybe you'll find fulfilment somewhere unexpected?), and even though it is miserable not to be there, don't lose sight of what you have done already. I don't know you of course, but from reading your blog I think I can say that if you don't make it to where you want to be, there's no hope for the rest of us. So on our behalf, you do realise you're obliged to keep trying don't you?
So your post struck me because I feel the same way, but also because the writer of a blog I visit recently took her own life. She was a well known journalist and author here in the UK and had a seemingly enviable life with her husband and young daughter and beautiful home on the coast. Her blog even in recent posts seemed so full of joy, but it masked a deep depression most of us didn't know about. In her case it was maybe more an disease than a response to events, but it showed how blogs are so misleading. I feel everyone could have two, one making their life seem perfect and one making it seem grim, when they are probably usually neither. One blogger did comment on the loss of her friend, saying that blogs show so much support for the good things people share, would that support be there when people shared the bad things? I think it could be, though I agree with the previous commenter that it is somehow inherently aspirational. Though a lot of blogs I read impress me so much with the courage people have to keep trying to bring beauty into their lives.
Anyway, don't worry. You should be so proud of yourself. Look after yourself, eat soup, wait for spring! You will feel better soon.
Apologies for long comment, must now go to Argos to collect plastic suitcase! I might treat myself to your book soon to cheer myself up, I know with the spirit of that land in you ( which I share, hooray!) you will survive!
I agree with dianamuse, the Beckett connection was a dead giveaway. So many times i've come here and found exactly what i was feeling spelt out before my eyes. Perhaps it's the Irish connection, or an expat thing, not sure. But i do think there are more of us than you realise. We're just waiting for someone to say it first. There is something i return to when i get like this, and it's been a help to others in the same pit. It's Julia Cameron's book The Artist Way. I discovered her work during my first writer's block years ago. She spoke to the depression i was experiencing as well. A different perspective on things, and i was back writing again. Cameron is a tonic for any creative soul. Here's a bit about her from her website: http://www.theartistsway.com/about/julia-cameron
ReplyDeleteI hope this is of some help to you, too. I just want to give something back to you for all the times i visit your blog and feel the better for it. :) Lizzy
Jane ~ aren't perceptions funny things? Reading your blog I am so very envious of your eye for design and innate aesthetic taste, your zeitgeisty blog read by thousands (no doubt), your way with words and how you've moved to the other side of the World. You've got a beautiful apartment full of things that mean something to you...and *those* shoes too!
ReplyDeleteYou've achieved so much. Much more than most people ever do. I suppose what I am going to say, maybe a little controversially is, that maybe it's not in aiming higher and trying to live the dream that happiness comes but from learning to love what you have. Amor Fati, which means 'love of fate' and is how I try and approach life even in dark moments. I'll leave David Duchovny to say it, as his brain is bigger than mine:
“Nietzsche has this term—it’s Latin, but it might’ve been a Greek perspective. It’s amor fati. Love of fate. The way I understand it is, there is no other response to fate. You can’t change it. It happens. So, I mean, what’s a better response for your own personal happiness—to hate it or to love it? What happens if you say, “I’m happy with everything as it played out, because I have to be”?”
(David Duchovny - Details Magazine, February 2010)
Love, Cathy x
Please know that you're not alone -- and thank you for all of us you've helped by expressing how you feel. It's not an easy place to be, and people don't talk about it enough. I really relate to what you said about feeling behind. It's so easy to fall into those feelings! But this is your life to live by your own rules and timing -- there's no right or wrong way to go on this journey. I sincerely hope you can find what it takes to get yourself where you want to be.
ReplyDeleteOh, this post is such a breath of fresh air. Thank you in so many ways.
ReplyDeleteDear Jane,
ReplyDeleteI have been reading your blog for a while now and to be honest, one of the things that made it different and appealing ot me is that you not only show beautiful things and places but also talk about things you struggle with. As much as I enjoy those 'light' blogs the ones I really like are the ones where I feel the people are being real and showing more then just pretty things but rather a glimpse of their real life.
As someone who has been in a hole and who continues to struggle (and be unhappy about where I am and what I've achived in my life so far) I am sad to hear you are going through this but glad you could share it with your blog readers. And juding by the comments you are not alone and have hit something of a nerve.
I hope that some might take this as a sign that it is ok to talk about the dark as much as the light aspects of life and that really, life is made up of both.
I with you a calm long weekend and look forward to hearing from you again soon.
I know exactly how you feel but I am 42 so the "time is short" issue fills my head. I doubt my goals and past decisions. Keep in mind that God does not show us what we can not get thru.
ReplyDeleteYour honesty is so incredibly beautiful and true. I think you've reached a lot of people who can relate (including this 35 year old). Just know it's okay to feel this way every now and again. To be perpetually happy is impossible so just let your heart have a little rest. Grant yourself that and you'll be feeling better soon - trust me. :)
ReplyDeleteNo matter how sunny the blogosphere may be, we all just highlight the happiest things in our life. Mostly. But we all have our less than awesome moments and yes, have downer days or weeks or months. You are very genuine and have such a beautiful way with words.
ReplyDeletethat lonely/hopeless feeling is engulfing and it sucks ass. you'll get through it though. your blog is a beautiful place on the internet and i love it.
ReplyDeleteThank you. There is so much pressure in the world To Be and To Know and To Do -Right Now. We live in such an interesting time. A time where we can search to find ways of fulfilling ourselves whereas our parents and their parents were expected to find careers, make lives and complete the formula. Some days -I'd take the formula. Most days I feel triumphant that I am trying to live my dream, I just never had any idea that this dream was so damn hard. Thank you for being courageous enough to share -you- with us. Instead of looking over my shoulder and feeling worried and scared and tired and behind, I feel like I am traveling in a pack full of courageous compatriots. Thank you for that.
ReplyDeleteI'm 34 and I feel this way ALL THE TIME. We're in a strange age bracket, I think - I wrote a bit about this at the beginning of the year. Suddenly when the world (online, etc) is more about youth than experience, where are we supposed to go?
ReplyDeleteEVERYONE has ups and downs, don't let chipper blogland fool you. Just saying you're tired and doldrum-ed is the start to the path out of it, I think.
There's something to be said for accepting the present (i.e. the positive version of 'this is as good as it gets') before summoning all magic energy to move to the next level. Do you know what I mean?
A Twitter follower of yours, chiming in to support you. My one word of advice, from 20 years down the road, forgiveness is a great virtue. Forgive yourself, then refocus in the light of that forgiveness. It's OK. It will be OK.
ReplyDeleteDear Jane,
ReplyDeleteWe both know that most blog posts that receive 75+ comments are about celebrity scandals (or on AT, painting wood furniture/organizing books by color). Moreover, most of the comments are "OMG, me too" or "Wow I <3 it, soooo amazing."
The fact that your honesty inspired 75+ people to open up... it proves that you're doing something right.
I really admire your courage to write this post. I've been feeling like I've lost momentum recently- no job, no money, no trajectory, no idea how to fix it. I felt like nobody would want to read a blog about my nightmares or how I couldn't make myself turn off the tv- so I stopped blogging. Wrong choice.
Anyway, you inspire me. I can't even tell you how many times I've imagined "What would Jane do?"
The sun will come out today and tomorrow! I think that everyone at some point has felt the same way that you have, so thank you for sharing and for being a light for others:)You bring so many wonderful things into the lives of many so you are making an incredible impact. THANK YOU. Every tear you cry or sad thought you think, you shall reap in JOY!
ReplyDeletethank you for this post. i'm sure not easy to share ... but very refreshing. i think we've all been there. thanks for sharing.
ReplyDelete**Hugs** You are not alone.
ReplyDeletewow. i don't think that i can possibly thank you enough for this post. i only recently stumbled upon your blog and absolutely adore it. i can completely sympathize with what you've said and i don't think i could have said it any better or more eloquently. just, thank you.
ReplyDeletei love this post. it helps just knowing other people feel/fear these things. i'm almost 28 and am sad to say reality seems to be setting in as the difficulty in achieving all that i want becomes more and more apparent. so anyway, thank you for writing something so pure and relatable.
ReplyDeleteyou certainly aren't alone in this feeling. reading that I am not the only one that feels that way sometimes is the greatest gift
ReplyDeleteAnon - Thank you
ReplyDeleteElena - Thanks! I think you're amazing too
Michelle - Thank you. I absolutely need to remind myself of what's important. I feel like I know, but then I get sucked into other things (14 hour workdays and the like). I need to pull back and give myself time to feel all these things. Being happy and inspired requires unscheduled time. I need to enforce that.
Erin - thank you.
Dobbygirl - Yes, rest is first (which is why it's taken me so long to respond to these comments) and I'm currently thinking about what kind of help I need. Thanks to writing this post I feel able to ask / look for help in a way I didn't before.
Anon - thank you. I hope you feel better and that all these comments help you too!
Alice - Yes, I'm so contained all day, though I've been starting to loosen my grip lately (but not in a good way). I feel clammed up and then when given the opportunity to express myself I don't think I adequately can. This blog is the exception to that. I feel most like myself here. So it means a lot that you love it.
Amy - I'm so sorry you've been through a miscarriage. I hope you feel better soon. Sometimes it's good that people are latching onto the happy stuff because they're trying to create a happy place in an unhappy life. This post has made me realize just how much we all have in common.
Amanda - thank you. I'm feeling better already. The whole exercise was emotionally exhausting. I was so numb and in such a dark place when I published this post and comment after comment lifted me a little, one at a time. It's not over, but I'm definitely in a more constructive headspace than I was.
Emily Kate - absolutely! The things I want that I feel worried about are not the material things. In a way, that's all easy. It's the inside stuff that's hard... feeling satisfied with work, feeling happy in my body, feeling connected to my surroundings and people. If anything, blogging has helped me get over the constant need to consume. I can admire it without needing it. But with all that satisfied, I can see that I'm still unhappy. It's clear it was never about the things. It's about learning to think of happiness every day, not as a destination I'll get to at an elusive future date. We should form a club! Or find a way to check in on each other!
ReplyDeleteKate - Thank you! I have The Happiness Project but found big chunks of it didn't resonate with me. I think I was in too big a hole to find anything useful though, so I'll look at it again. I wrote this in an e-mail response, but I think it's worth throwing out here too: I wonder now if we're all drawn to each other because we have a sense that there's more in common than our love of certain things. The kind of person who is attracted to this medium and mode of interaction seems to be a more reflective, but also driven, type. And I think we're typically people who have heightened emotional reactions to other people and our environments. In a way, blogging is a safe environment for us because it won't hurt us as much as the real world sometimes can.
L - Thank you! I think I was past the little pick-me-up phase, but you're right... remembering to treat yourself well is definitely part of not ending up in the place I am. For me it's not about material treats, but adequate sleep, time to exercise and socialize. I too easily give those things up for work and that's very eroding over time.
Debbie / Sunflower - I tend to be very independent. There's a time to do something yourself and a time to ask for help from others. If you are feeling the same thing I wrote in my post, sharing it rather than bottling it up might help. The responses from you and others definitely helped me in a way I didn't expect. Don't try to do everything alone!
Ampersandity - Thank you! I'm trying to focus more on accepting myself and making myself better than worrying about how I stand in relation to others. I think this is key.
Maria - Thank you for the hugs!
Chuckdaisies - I know what you mean. I'm afraid of being stuck in a place I don't like, of forgetting what it's like to love what I do and instead becoming jaded. I think there are some things I need to work on before I'll be happy. I know there are some things I need to change. But, harder than that, there are some things I need to accept. Mostly things about myself that I can't change. Until I can do that I don't think I'll ever be able to feel really happy.
ReplyDeletePlease Sir - Yes, I think we bloggers share a lot of these feelings because we're the same "type" - a little shy and self-doubting, but also very ambitious and creative. I didn't fully realize that until I read all these comments. I always loved the blogosphere because we share the same passions, but now i think we share so much more...
Anabela - have I told you how much I love you? Physical appearance is a huge issue for me, which is difficult for a girl who loves style as much as I do! And I do a lot of faking until I make it too. It works for sure. But if the gap between the fake and the make is too wide it can just make you feel worse. I was feeling so hopeless about everything that pretending to be a happy blogger was making me feel like a fraud. I know not everybody wants to share so much on their blog or they have real world people for that. But, in a way, I feel like my blog friends are the ones I have the most in common with, though maybe that's silly of me. I'm definitely going to look for help too, though I don't think I could cope with a mean therapist! Thanks for your advice. I'm going to start trying again.
Katy - Thanks!
Tara - Thank you. A house swap might be a good idea!
Miss Crowland - I really am myself here on my blog and I love that we're positive on our blogs. There's a whole other blog world that's full of bitchiness and I want no part whatsoever in it. My favourite blogs are those ones that I feel have an authentic voice and real person behind. I do think that's possible. I don't think it's all fantasy and falseness. That's not what I was trying to say here. I was trying to share one part of my world that's not so positive, but that I wanted to share because it's real. And because I strive to be real here.
Emma - Thank you.
Stephanie - I think you're absolutely right. Despair is part of being a reflective and sensitive person. If we just glided through our days, we'd be inhibiting things somehow right? I don't want to become less sensitive or reflective, so I know I will always have moods and go up and down. I'm just really worried about how low I've recently gone and how long I've been there for. I felt like I was giving up. I hadn't been happy or hopeful in months and months and I stopped even telling anybody what I was feeling, even telling my best friends that I'm fine. Writing this post was like "coming out" with my depression, or whatever it is. I feel like I need help to deal with the more extreme swings of my moods, but even writing that is huge. I've never said that before. I've always sucked it up.
ReplyDeleteKA - Thank you. I'm trying to understand more about why I have these feelings and to turn them around from within.
Anon - Thank you!
Courtney - Thanks. Writing this post was huge for me. I didn't even know how much it would change things. And you're right about routine. I'm trapped in a very limiting and monopolizing routine right now. I know I need to get out of it so that I have some mental and physical space.
Ally - You're right! I'm completely locked down right now and not able to get away. And that's part of why I'm feeling so trapped and unhappy. I need to change the situation that's doing that to me.
Silentstoryteller - I've been thinking a lot about how I juggle the rational and irrational. It creates a lot of tension in my life. I'm very much both. I want to reason my way through everything. But I'm also extremely emotional and I don't respect them enough and when they override my head I feel like I'm torn in two. I'm definitely going to take your advice to get more exercise. It makes a huge difference.
Leah - Thank you. I think the number of comments on this post is proof positive that we're definitely not all living amazing, perfectly designed lives. We're all doing our best to create something beautiful for ourselves, to elevate us out of feelings that are not always so beautiful. I think you're right about needing a change too.
Liane - I agree. I think I had to hit this point in order to make real progress. I've been running at the same problem for a few years now and I've never managed to get over it. It's nearly a point of no return now. I hope we get to share a bottle of wine sometime!
Becka - Thank you. Your comment was amazing. And you're dead right. Knowing I'm not alone has been amazingly transformative. I never thought I needed that. I'm usually such a loner and I've never felt that kind of acceptance from so many people over the course of a day or two. That my blog was able to give me that makes me love it, and the people I've met through it, even more.
ReplyDeleteSarah Jane - Thank you! You're right, the people who I'm looking at thinking "they're ahead" have made choices I would never make for myself (though I respect them for doing what they want). I've never exactly conventional, so I don't know why I'm measuring myself against conventional standards. I suppose it's something we do because we're saturated with those expectations from friends and family and coworkers... it can be exhausting. Yet, they're the very people who say they envy you with a couple of beers in them. So, it's not rosy on any side...
Melis - Thank you for sharing that - it really helps me come to terms with how I've been feeling (and how I've felt my whole life). I trust that it will get better.
Michelle - You're right. I need to get moving again. It's been a desk-strapped winter for me and I've gained weight. It's only a small part of it, but it's definitely compounding my feelings.
Alexis - Thank you. I will, I promise!
Kate - Thank you. I made a list today of the things i want to do to make my life and routines more "clean", getting more rest, eating more foods, spending time away from the computer. Some of these things will be major for me. I always let my work take over every aspect of my life. But that's precisely why I'm in this place. It has to stop.
Martha - Thank you. My friends used to call me Piglet!
Grace - Thank you. I'll definitely check out this link. I'm making a list of all the recommendations in these comments and I'm going to pick through them and use them as the basis for a "plan".
Kyla - Thank you!
Emilia Jane - Thanks! I will check this out!
Rachel - Thanks for this and your e-mail. It means so much to me! I'm definitely going to consider everything you said.
ReplyDeleteVidalia - I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I had an answer. I hope the comments on this post are helpful for you and others too!
Lori - Thank you! You're so right. It's always going to be up and down for me. And that's part of what's good as well as what's bad about me. I'm sensitive and reflective and I feel things deeply. I just want to get a rein on the very extremes. I don't want to feel ready to give up on everything any time I feel down.
Chelsea - Thank you, for this & your e-mail. You're one of my biggest inspirations. You should know that.
EmmaLee - Thank you! It means so much yo have your support!
PriyakumarNITB - Thank you!
Anon - Thanks!!
Nole - You're so right. I think we're in the exact same situation re work / goals and trying to do the math to give us some freedom to make a break. For me, it's hard because I got through phases where buy ing a little treat is my only consolation for a shitty day. But it's precisely that practice that locks me into more shitty days. Financial planning will definitely play a role in getting out of this. Which means it will be a slow process, but hopefully I can keep my eye on the prize. I'll definitely check out Dominique Browning's blog. I've only glanced at it so far.
Little Gay Pixel - Thank you
Anon - Thank you. I am definitely considering talking to somebody.
Ginger Roxy - Thank you!
Anon - I will definitely look into these books. Thank you for commenting and recommending them!
Nanette - Thank you. I think you're right that I've been hiding from these feelings. I've been having night terrors for weeks now - a true sign that there's something I'm not confronting in my waking life, I think. When I wrote this post, I was so tired and numb and I didn't care anymore but each comment made me re-engage with my heart and mind and I'm ready to begin again, with help if necessary.
ReplyDeleteAnon - Your Grammy was a smart lady! I'm so glad you commented. And your advice is perfect too (that Kerry lady rubbed off on you!). I do need change. And I want change too. Thank you for coming out to comment on this post. It makes me happy!
Jen - Oh thank you. It means so much to me that you think of me and my blog in that way. I hope you feel better soon too.
Anon - I hope some of the comments on this post will help you too. Don't be afraid to ask for help. You don't have to handle everything on your own.
Megan - Thank you. I read your post and can only imagine what you must have gone through losing your dream job. I've never found mind so struggle with a different kind of loss. But, your story is proof that the external stuff is external and it's crapshoot. Anything can happen: lucky breaks or sudden falls. You have to learn to hold onto something of yourself independent of that. Something that gives you a sense of hope and happiness and confidence regardless. Thanks for sharing your story.
Kitty - Thank you! You're right. I needed to acknowledge it was there to begin addressing it. I was doing everything but that. I thought I was acknowledging it, but I was mostly telling people I was just tired, not giving them the full extent of my feelings...
Karen - Thank you. It means so much to be told that my work is worthwhile. I don't hear that very often and I sometimes wonder if it's because people think it's not or they think I don't need to hear it is. And then I wonder why I need their recognition in the first place. Still, it's nice to be told. Thank you.
Kiarii - Thank you, sweet Christina. I'm trying to believe. I'm going to try harder and get better at it. I think you know me pretty well and we share some of this stuff. Thank you for reassuring me! I always believe you.
Nelya - Thank you for your comment and your e-mail. I feel so connected with some of my blog friends, but those connections have really deepened for me in the last few days.
ReplyDeleteMaria - Thanks. I always feel your hugs. You're an amazing and special person and somehow I know you understand what I'm saying always. Thanks for being there for me.
Diana - Ha! Yes, I wear my existential angst on my sleeve really. Thank you for your support. You're brilliant.
Lucy - Thank you. What a beautiful and uplifting comment. I can't help but feeling buoyed up by such support. I'm so sorry to read about the loss of your other blog friend. It is so tragic. I think blogs can be whatever we make them be. Some are masks and some are mirrors. I know I try to stretch my sense of self in my blog, to include the things I dream of and am motivated by. That's what gets me out of bed. But it's important for me to tackle the real stuff too.
ER - I love how people are calling me out on Beckett right now. It's making me giggle. I definitely do think there's something of an Irish temperament at play here. I know there are aspects of my personality that I feel are particularly and uniquely Irish, though ineffably so. I've looked at that Julia Cameron book before but never bought it. I'm putting it on the list of recommendations from all the comments and will definitely look at it again! Thank you!
Violet Creme - Thank you. You're right. I need to appreciate all that I've accomplished (and allow myself to feel proud for how hard I worked and continue to work for it). It's funny, but since I started blogging I've actually stopped wanting so much. I feel free to just admire something now; I would have coveted it before. When I look around my apartment now, I'm happy. What I'm wishing for is more nature, time to bake or the time to walk a dog (that I'd like to get). And that's what I find myself jealous of in others.
Katie*Belle - Thank you! I've always been on a non-standard timeline. I think I need to remember that when I'm feeling like I'm surrounded by people who I think have achieved more than I have. I'm likely only looking at half their story, because I would never have chosen the things they did.
Alli/Hooray - Thank you!
Nina - Thanks! It makes me so happy that you see my blog in this way. That's what I want to be and that's what I'm like in real life... just as likely to be cooking up theories about existential angst as lusting after a purse. I used to feel like this were weird disassociated parts of me, but somehow they've come together here. I hope that this blog post has helped the many people who say they identify with these feelings too. I know it has definitely helped me.
Lee - Thank you!
ReplyDeleteVivi - Thanks. Although it makes me sad to think so many of us experience these dark feelings, it has helped me to understand that I'm not alone.
You Are My Fave - Thank you! Posts like this one can be difficult to write, but it's important for me to do it.
Caitlin.D - Thank you.
Sarabeth - Thank you too!! I really do feel like we have such a special, like-minded community here. I don't have this many friends in the real world who would respond so positively and supportively, so it's overwhelming, in a good way.
Verhext - Yes! In a way, I love that the blog world is so age agnostic. And in the real world, I've always had friends in every possible age bracket. But I do also feel that gap opening up sometimes. I agree with you that I needed to accept my current mood. I'd been ignoring it for months (though it had been manifesting in worse and worse ways, from fainting to night terrors). Just writing this post and saying it out loud made me feel better. I didn't know it would, but it really did. It's been a really emotional, exhausting, but positive few days since I put the post up.
LPC - Thank you. I think acceptance goes with forgiveness. I need to accept myself in so many ways.
Elizabeth - Oh, dearest Elizabeth, I know you're going through one of those difficult times right now too. I remember when I first emigrated (after waiting two years for the paperwork to come through) and I got to Toronto and immediately sank into a depression. It's like I expected everything to fall into place when I got here and I didn't have the energy to work at it. I'd been patient and hardworking - I wanted a rest, not more work and continual effort. If I can help at all, e-mail me. I realize blogging this kind of thing isn't for everybody. I would get bored of myself if I blogged like this every day. But when you need to, do share and ask for help. You'll be surprised at how much you get. The blogosphere is amazing for that, more than I even imagined.
Penelope - Thank you too!
Simplesong - Thanks Suann!
Barb in Pa. - Thanks. I'm really getting the sense for how "not alone" I am. It's incredible!
Anne - Thank you for commenting. It means a lot that you like my blog and are so understanding.
Ravennagirls - Thank you!
I so love your honesty Jane. People would be lying if they said that they never experienced such feelings. The best is when we receive hope to pull us out of these seasons. Its only a season. You are in my prayers Jane. You are an amazing person!!
ReplyDeleteYou know, I went through the same thing, ironically, beginning at age 33. It really hit full stride this past December when I hit 35. I had one of those, "OMG, my life is half over and what the #&%$ have I done with it?!" moments.
ReplyDeleteI really want to say that I managed to pull myself out of it, and everything is back to being rosey sunshine and lolipops, but that just wouldn't be the truth. It's a process, I suppose. It's part of that lifelong journey toward finding meaning, and purpose.
I'm not sure that it ever ends, or that it is even meant to. The illusion of the perfect sunny life, is just that. It is an illusion. Real life has ups and downs, sunshine and clouds, and moments of supreme joy intermixed with periods of profound sorrow and introspection. At least there is the comfort of knowing that the sun always comes out again at some point, but I know it is hard to find any comfort in that when you are in the midst of the doldrums.
Here's hoping the sun comes out for you again soon, and that you always continue to search for your truest, and most authentic self. In my humble opinion, it is a lifelong journey, worth the taking!
Wow, so powerful to see someone else write thoughts you've had yourself.
ReplyDeleteNot today, or yesterday, but they've been there. And so wonderful to see how people care so very much.
you're an inspriation jane, and i find joy, delight, comfort and beauty in what you give us here everyday. wishing you better times soon.
all the best, julesxx
I'm so sorry you feel this way. Its totally normal, and by that I mean common. In my experience, mood is only influenced by your perception and environment. Your'e very brave for writing this. hang in there, and please don't hesitate to talk to a MD about this if you are inclined.
ReplyDeleteHi Sweetie,
ReplyDeleteMy niece pointed me towards your blog. I am 48 and have suffered from depressions since I was a teen. I wasn't diagnosed until 5 years ago. Until then I just thought I was a mean and ugly person. Since being treated I feel like I've started my life over. That doesn't mean that I still don't struggle with the blues. It's part of my life. Now my 15 year old daughter has been diagnosed as well. Watching her go through this is hell for me. But, at least she confides in me and I've been able to get her the treatment she needs.
Thank you so much for sharing your honest feelings. I had tears in my eyes as I read and I do now as I write this. I know it does no good to tell you to "snap out of it." You wish you could but you are powerless to do so. Please think about seeing a doctor. Not necessarily for medication but maybe some therapy. Both have helped me and my daughter change our lives. And possibly save our lives. Bless your heart.
Thank you so much for this post. It was very honest and raw. I know that feeling and it is hard because nothing is "wrong" but nothing is right. I feel like I am again in that time of my life where I am still unsure of the way. That I am clawing at the wind.
ReplyDeleteI think one commenter mentioned something about self forgiveness and I think that is a powerful tool and therapy can help,too. I do think that just admitting out disappointment can be powerful(not is a self-pitying way) but it is good to own up to all the sides of us. Thanks for being yourself.
Jane, I read your post at work days ago, but I wanted to be in a place to reply where it would be okay to cry. I understand how the blog world can seem perfect and fake and how everyone's life can seem better than my own. Since moving to this city those bloggers whom I so admire have become some of the only and best friends I have here. They are all not perfect, and love them for both sides the "blog side" and the "real everyday one". Although, it was very intimidating to meet them for the first time!
ReplyDeleteI don't talk about my sadness a lot, even in person. I was raised believing that one should only share their sorrows with their closest friends. Which is wonderful when I have those friends around, but it can be an incredible burden. Last fall my boyfriend broke up with me but continued to share my apartment for the months before Christmas. It was the most painful thing I have ever experienced, I couldn't talk about and couldn't blog about it because I was living it. It was so hurtful and confusing there was no way I could put it into words. So I turned to blogging as a happy escape.
I'm still not good at sharing my feelings when I am hurt or upset. But way back when you wrote about loneliness and joy of small, happy connections with strangers, I cried. I was (and am) just learning how to live alone and your post touched me. I totally understood how a smile from a stranger can make a day. I admire you, Jane. Your ability to share your feelings helps those of us who can't.
Though I'd love to bake the day away and have a picture perfect picnic (I totally want to have one soon! Oh, and it will be blogged ;) ), I am stuck inside writing one of four papers to be written this week. *sigh*
I sincerely hope you have a lovely weekend.
thank you for this post. your courageous honesty is very inspiring...
ReplyDeleteOk, I'm a little late to the party (as usual) but I just want to echo what everyone else says.
ReplyDeleteI constantly look around at other people, both in my real life and on the millions of blogs I read, and I think what the hell is wrong with me!? Why can't I get my shit together? I'm almost 29 and I am pretty much broke and all of my friends keep moving away and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. And why can't I take better photos or write words in nicer combinations. Why won't he love me? Why aren't I as pretty as you or her or ANYONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE WORLD. When I let it get the better of me, I feel like I am a useless beast of a woman.
I don't know how most people cope with these feelings but mostly I just try and do the things that make me happy and I try to look for the beauty in the little things. For me, it's all about the beauty in the little things.
I am so glad you wrote this post.
Simply Grove - Thanks Kirsten. You're the best!
ReplyDeleteMusaBenedetta - Thank you. I don't expect that it will ever end. I think this is my disposition and I'll always battle it in this way. I know there will always be lows. I just want to learn how to come back up out of them. And - hopefully - to stop them going quite as low as this one. I don't think I've ever been in as dark of a place.
Jules - Thank you.
Aron - Thanks! I'm definitely feeling better since I wrote this post. But, you're right on the environment part. There are some things I need to work on changing.
Zita - Thank you for your support and for sharing so much. I hope that both you and your daughter are well.
Googlover - Thank you so much. I definitely agree self-forgiveness (or acceptance) is important. It's such a waste of energy and time wishing you were other than you are. But its hard not to do...
Sweetest Erica - I've been very scared to meet blogworld friends. I know it's silly of me, but I feel like they would be disappointed by the real me in some way. It's odd, because much as I feel like I'm "me" here, I also know that they could have a different idea in their mind altogether.
I'm so sorry you've had to go through a break-up on the back of arriving in a new city. I can't imagine how it must have cast a huge shadow over your new beginning. Moving is always difficult, even if it's a move you're happy about. So, I hate that it was made all the more difficult for you by this.
I'm glad my posts touched you. I hope they helped in some small way too. Please know you're not alone. I'm always here if you want to talk.
Krista Lia - Thank you
Vic - You're so right... small things have a cumulative effect. I've been trying to think about the things I need to accept (mostly things you've touched on here) and the things I should change (mostly things in my environment that I don't like). But I don't want to have this idea that I'm waiting for things to fall into place before I'm allowed to be happy.
i have been there. shit -still there, really. i appreciate you and you are so very dear to me.
ReplyDeletethank you for this post.
you rock!
: )
I realize I am late to chime in here... but I hear you.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate your candor - it's very easy to get swooped up in the "perfectness" of blog-world, but that is just what it is. It's escapism, the same way flipping through Elle Decor is - I mean really, who can afford those designers really? 4% of the population?
In reality, we're all finding our place in the world, you're not behind - you're simply taking your path.
As a side note, maybe it is the economy, the recession, the new "normal" - where there just are not as many jobs out there and less frivolousness...
but I tend to think there might be something in the air in general, actually I wrote about it here: http://www.abcddesign.com/archives/2010/03/29/m-a-l-a-i-s-e/
Feel better friend.
xoABCD
You've put this so beautifully Jane, so straightforward and honest and heartbreaking. I know it's cold comfort, but you're so not alone, and you've just made many, many people feel 'not alone' too, myself included. So, thank you.
ReplyDeletexx Kit
Hello there. I don't know how I found your blog, but I remember it because your voice is honest and, in that honesty, there is light. I enjoy the frivolity of most blogs, relish it, actually, but sometimes the blogosphere bleaches out all the darkness that comes with reality. I'm sorry you're going through a doldrum, but know it is temporary and you can direct action, as you see fit, when you see it fit. I speak from painful, engulfing experience. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI've been lurking around your blog a bit and when I was going back through the last few days that I had missed I found this post.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, some days things are amazing and my outlook is amazing, but some days I see the reality of a lot of different things and I come crashing down into a really bad place. I decided a long time ago that I can't "fake the funk" and be one of those people that smiles through everything. If I do that, I wind up internalizing and making myself sick. Now I just allow myself to feel what I feel and hold out hold that the feeling will pass. It usually does. I try to do one small thing differently to get myself motivated to move ahead and usually that will snowball into more motivation.
I hope you find the way to get where you want to be.
Hi Jane, Thanks for the lovely poem. I have had a busy few weeks and haven't been able to check in here as much as I'd have liked. I just wrote a blog post about a fantastic, inspring woman who has given concrete action to my dreams for the future and I thought of you.
ReplyDeletehttp://amiable-peculiarities.blogspot.com/2010/04/invest-in-your-future-you.html
Enjoy!
i think im in love with you
ReplyDeletei just want to give you a hug
my personal advice, get out there, see whats in the world, explore, meet people, go on websites
even if its only one, this can often lead to links