Do you suffer from the blues? I do and then some. I really want to be that girl who smiles and laughs at everything. And sometimes I am. Sometimes I'm positively impish. But then there are times when I go down into a deep, dark hole and it seems I won't be able to claw my way out of.
In our perpetually sunshiny corner of the blogosphere, it's easy to think that nobody suffers from stress or despair or anxiety. I love that we all focus on things that we have positive feelings about, rather than negative venting. But sometimes it can create a false impression that we all live amazing, fulfilled lives. My own goal with my blog is neither to be positive nor negative, but to be authentic. To tell the truth about myself. And that includes the not so sunny side.
Lately, I've felt very hopeless. That I'm far behind everybody else for my age. That there's no trajectory to what I'm doing right now. That all work and no play is making Jane a dull girl. I've even stopped having those escape fantasies that I always used to have and swapped them with "maybe this is as good as it gets" thoughts.
I know, at 33, I'm young to be feeling this way. I know I have lots of time to do the things I want. It's not the waiting that's been getting to me as much as the lack of momentum. I'm stuck in the doldrums, with no wind in my sails. I know what I want and I know where I want to be, but I don't know how to get going. And I'm starting to give up a little bit in my own heart. And I'm so very, very tired.
Image from alliesnaps' Flickr