Sometimes it feels like I'm stop-start-stop-start with many things. I'll do yoga for 5 weeks in a row and then stop cold. Then I'll self-flagellate about not doing it. I make resolutions to be constant and unwavering. I never keep those resolutions.
And I wait. Thinking that a time will come when I'll grow up and feel permanently balanced. That when that time comes, I'll have things I can confidently say I do, rather than things I once did and want to do again. But waiting for anything is such a waste of time. Truly.
So, instead, I'm trying to embrace my mutable nature. Yes, I'm a moody and inconsistent girl. But, I'm as much in control when I decide not to do something as when I decide to do it. So why am I fighting myself over it?
And all of this made me think of water and how I identify with it. How many faces it has. How it ebbs and flows. And then I thought about this poem by Aram Saroyan. Because even though I'm mutable, I'm moving forward. Towards my destination.
I'm the Mississipi
I'm the Mississippi. Nothing
Can stop me. Everything goes my way
Or I flow over, around, or under it,
Changing my dimensions as I go.
Trees, rocks, the animal and human kingdom
Are all passengers of my will. I treat them
As they treat me, loving the way I go on and on
Until I meet the sea. I'm the Mississippi.
Men sail me as I sail them, no better and
No Worse. I'm a river, in the end, not a destination.
Nothing comes between me and my own motion.
I embrace it, and it becomes me, the Mississippi.
Life is QUITE a roller coaster ride, isn't it? I totally understand about waiting to grow up and get "there" (that infamous place of cheerful balance), and I love water, too! Yoga is just part of the journey- I'm a yoga teacher, and I still flounder sometimes. Check out my most recent post about going with the flow at www.frontporchyoga.com.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, all too well. lol
ReplyDeleteI am nodding my head yes. : )
I am exactly the same! I pick on myself for being non-committal or fickle, but really, a shifting nature means that we try a lot of new and different things. I think a lot of the time I enjoy a challenge, and once I've gotten the hang of something or my curiosity has been satiated, I'm ready for the next one. And that's not so bad ;)
ReplyDeletesuch a wonderful poem. and very good ideas from you. self-flagellation is never a good idea, and this coming from the queen of it.
ReplyDeleteas a southerner and a student of poetry, i love this.
ReplyDeleteThis is really pretty. I try to keep a balance--everything in moderation and all that. :)
ReplyDeleteHave a great rest of the week, Jane!
there is a lot of pressure in this world and it's hard to stay consistent and follow through on everything. i'm always berating myself for things i haven't gotten done yet (like right now i am procrastinating my daily walk:)) but i think you are right to accept the fact that you can change your mind about things, change your path and it's still all okay.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean. I can't even listen to a song or an artist for more than a few weeks without getting sick of it and compltely changing my mind. I'm sort of hoping (okay, reeeally hoping) that someday I'll hit some magical age and then everything in life will be just perfect and fit together peacefully. I guess that's not quite how it works, is it?
ReplyDeleteWater is a lovely thing to be like - glad to hear you are embracing your mutable nature. Who wants to be rigid? It's a hard thing sometimes to let yourself find your own path.
ReplyDeletexo
I relate a lot to what you wrote, and I love the conclusion you've drawn and the poem you chose to share. All too often I find myself daydreaming about when my life reaches that perfect balance, but in truth, I am not sure that really exists.
ReplyDelete