Sometimes it feels like I'm stop-start-stop-start with many things. I'll do yoga for 5 weeks in a row and then stop cold. Then I'll self-flagellate about not doing it. I make resolutions to be constant and unwavering. I never keep those resolutions.
And I wait. Thinking that a time will come when I'll grow up and feel permanently balanced. That when that time comes, I'll have things I can confidently say I do, rather than things I once did and want to do again. But waiting for anything is such a waste of time. Truly.
So, instead, I'm trying to embrace my mutable nature. Yes, I'm a moody and inconsistent girl. But, I'm as much in control when I decide not to do something as when I decide to do it. So why am I fighting myself over it?
And all of this made me think of water and how I identify with it. How many faces it has. How it ebbs and flows. And then I thought about this poem by Aram Saroyan. Because even though I'm mutable, I'm moving forward. Towards my destination.
I'm the Mississipi
I'm the Mississippi. Nothing
Can stop me. Everything goes my way
Or I flow over, around, or under it,
Changing my dimensions as I go.
Trees, rocks, the animal and human kingdom
Are all passengers of my will. I treat them
As they treat me, loving the way I go on and on
Until I meet the sea. I'm the Mississippi.
Men sail me as I sail them, no better and
No Worse. I'm a river, in the end, not a destination.
Nothing comes between me and my own motion.
I embrace it, and it becomes me, the Mississippi.