I tend to want to organize feelings like I do thoughts, to experience each one in its own individual fullness. But that's not how feelings present. You have to allow yourself to feel different things simultaneously; they're mixed bags of things. You might feel joyful, but the thing bringing joy might also petrify you. Or excitement can be coupled with unsettling agitation. Disappointment can be coupled with relief, occasionally. Sadness can be accompanied by something strangely resembling elation, freedom. And these are the stronger feelings; then there's also the everyday bob and weave of pensiveness and longing and milder worry and plain happiness and warmth.

The thing is if you don't admit the muddy complexity of feelings - that there is no way to experience the Platonic ideal of a feeling at full strength - then you'll absolutely never enjoy them. You'll never enjoy joy because you'll be so bent out of shape by the aspects of whatever it is that make you nervous or insecure. Trying to experience unmuddied emotions is like trying to plan the perfect wedding day (I imagine). And it will all pass you by and you'll wonder why you never felt that feeling you were supposed to.

Feelings don't really run pure in our veins. They fight and spar each other or quietly stand off at opposite sides of the room. And it can all become very confusing. So don't try to work it out. But don't let that get in your way of feeling it, the joy or sorrow or whatever it is. Because pure moments - if they even exist - are rare and startling visitations, emotional equivalents of ah-ha moments of perfect and sudden intellectual clarity. And holding out for them is a fool's errand.

Some links you might enjoy:
  • "when an observer doesn’t immediately turn what his senses convey to him into language, into the vocabulary and syntactical framework we all employ when trying to define our experiences, there’s a much greater opportunity for minor details, which might at first seem unimportant, to remain alive in the foreground of an impression, where, later, they might deepen the meaning of an experience." The Invitation
  • "If you live long enough in the country, you become like a god: you can predict everything before it happens"
  • Along with Francesca Woodman, one of my favourite photographers
  • "They would stand in the surf and wave babies in pastel rompers over the whale, as if to catch the drift of an evaporating myth." Beautiful writing: Whale fall
  • This made me laugh, though I don't really get mad about blog stuff/stupidity any more and it seems so silly that I once did, because it is all - well - silly

Happy weekend!
Blogger Widgets

Wednesday 25th

A butterball full moon was rising through the mist tonight as I left the office. I made my way through side streets to the bridge that crosses the ravine. There, the tree-line falls down and the streetlights are dim enough to let me feel the moonlight. She glowed serenely.

I kept her in my sights the whole way home and, even with my back to her, I watched the shadow of me she cast. I thought about things that have been happening with a mild sense of disbelief. I tried to imagine what the next few weeks will hold; I tried to imagine snow on the ground. But the moon kept pulling me back to where I was and hushing my mind.

I stopped at the market and bought random things, idling by the beautiful panettone boxes and wishing for a mere moment I had more mouths to feed. A man was standing at the fridges, reading out the names of all the prepared meals to (I assume) his wife on the phone: Lobster risotto, shrimp fettuccine, chicken tetrazini, he sounded out. I loitered to see what she would choose but then wondered what I was doing and moved along.

I crossed the train tracks and made my way up the hill, down streets with homes too grand to dream about, feeling a strange fondness for people I will never know when I caught sight of a room with floor-to-ceiling bookcases. I smiled at a raccoon, frozen and watching, all mischief and thievery, looking me back in the eye, defying me to see him while trying to remain hidden. I whispered to him, Artful Dodger.

On Inglewood Drive, the giant inflatable Santas were up. Six or seven of them, all identical, making a pleasant mockery of the formal homes, a jolly neighbourhood conspiracy. And I thought for a moment how it's curious that there's only really levity in bad taste. And the Santas seemed to me a very admirable way for these owners to spend their time and their millions.

I lined up for coffee I didn't need and came inside. Sometimes when I come home I'm curious about how I first react to my place, like that moment when I walk in holds the truth of "home". But tonight I only noticed how bright the place was, full of moonlight. I sat like that, just for a minute, holding my coffee. Then I got up and turned on the lights and made myself dinner.

Warm it up

Lately, I've been really drawn to interiors with a bright warmth. It's probably the seasonal shift... all of a sudden warm woods, leather chairs, jewel tone velvet (don't you love the womb in that rich burgundy velvet?!) feel so inviting. I especially like each of these spaces because they manage to combine that warmth with light and brightness, which is also important to me. Sometimes warm and cozy can feel dark and heavy. But, these just nail the balance.

Sources: Design*Sponge | Apiece Apart (I'm surprising myself by becoming obsessed with this sofa!) | Lost Weekend / Image magazine | Remodelista / Jersey Ice Cream Co

Sunday best: First snow

I just went for a coffee and there were these pockets of flurries contained in the atmosphere, creating little snowglobe moments. It's unlikely much of it will settle to the ground and, yet, every bone in my body tells me it's here: Winter.

There's so much fantasy in today's Sunday best, because snow and life right now are wont to send me to that place of impossible delights. Meanwhile, I'll actually be working and trying to squeeze in a run after a burst pipe made me break my streak yesterday. So I won't be wearing any of this, except the perfume, which is - apparently - sooo over (haha who cares!?)

Have a good one!

Products: Muhammad Ali watch from Shinola | Flare jeans from Madewell | Abstract Circle Scarf from Rose BrownGucci sweater from Matches | Soho leather disco bag from Gucci | Leather Lace-Ups from Tod's | Santal 33 from Le Labo | True Coral Lipstick from Tom Ford